Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Papa Murphy’s

Posted by pete

Lord have mercy

One year ago, literally to the day, some schmuck emailed me asking my opinion of  Papa Murphy's. I told him that it was outside the scope of my blog, but 'maybe I'd make an exception.' Well that guy is probably dead by now, or living in the vast sewers underneath Las Vegas or maybe he's joined a professional basketball team in Europe. He's dead to me, anyway, that's all that matters! He sorta sent me on this horrible mission and is therefore sorta responsible for the bullshit I had to endure. Hell, I'm still enduring it; a lot of it is still just sitting in my fridge, mocking me.

I didn't know what to expect from this weirdo establishment.  Their website is dumb as hell, and I couldn't find much real, tangible information readily available. Entering the store was not much of a help, either; prices were listed on boards somewhat haphazardly, for various sundry pizzas. It confused me, but, in their defense, so do simple things like magnets and hirsute women. Even as I write this review, I don't know whether to handle this like a normal pizza review or one of my throwaway frozen pizza reviews. It's not frozen but it might as well be. I mean i guess it's "fresh" in the sense that they made it right in front of me and shit, but I still have to trek home, crank the oven and throw the bastard in.

So this is the medium cheese pizza. To it I added oregano and crushed red pepper (as always), and half of it got some jalapenos, because fuck you, that's why. This thing cooked at 425F for like 12 minutes, maybe. It came out looking a little scary. One thing of note is that this medium pizza seemed pretty big to me. It also had like a million pounds of cheese on it. So if you like mountains of shitty cheese, this is for you. Also I guess it was a mix of cheeses but regardless it was bland. Hot out of the oven it was stringy and whatnot but when it cooled down for like half a minute, it became a solid mass of gutbusting misery. Bite into it and it all just sloughs off. Terrible.

The sauce was pasty and unremarkable, overcooked and overseasoned and stupid. The crust was bland and offensive in its inoffensiveness. Overall, I got the distinct impression that I was eating school pizza, except worse, crossed with my mom's crappy homemade pizza, except worse. It was pretty bad. The sad thing is that I might get another pizza from here, except with toppings. God, why did I even think that just now. Fuck me.

I guess I'll give this thing a rating, since, even though it's worse than most frozen pizza, at least it's "fresh." Right?

Oh by the way, check out my bourbon guest review over at liquorlunch.

7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Papa Murphy's - $5.10 after a $2-off coupon
2804 South College Road, Wilmington, NC

Papa Murphy's on Urbanspoon


Frank’s Pizza

Posted by pete

Now this is the Carolina Beach I was expecting

I like Carolina Beach. There, I said it. And I wanted to like Frank's Pizza. In fact, I was expecting to like this place. I was expecting this to be the grand wizard of Carolina Beach's pitiful pizza scene. Sadly, that is just not how the pizza crumbled. The pizza did crumble, though. Hold on. Imma let you finish, but this was one of the strangest pizzas of all time!

Check this wacky motherfucker out:

What a weird fucking slice! Looks like the fatsos nearby on the beach with fat rolls for days. This is like the least appetizing looking slice of pizza I've ever bought. In terms of sheer, abjectly absurd ugliness it even trumps that fucking stupid slice I got from Slice of Life (though not by much).

Of note is that all that oregano on there was put on by them. And I think that is the fucking bees knees. Not many places around here do this and it's a shame because it's a quick and easy and, most importantly, legitimate way to add flavor to your otherwise mediocre pizza.

A picture really does tell a thousand words in this case. Obviously the crust is garbage. It was formed by a real jerk of a human, clearly. Additionally, it's too thin. And it has approximately zero salt in it. Also there may be no yeast. Like at all. It was so dry the rim crumbled when I fucking glanced at it. It's like some asshole stole some unleavened, tasteless dough from a miscellaneous Jew and pretended it was pizza dough for his own malevolent purposes. There was nothing good about this slice's crust. Here's another picture:

Here's the bottom of the crust. It looks burnt but it's not quite to that point. This is some pretty good browning here, in my opinion. But then look at the top of the pizza and it looks undercooked. It's a shame. But, the strangest motherfucking thing of all is that even though the bottom of this crust was nearly burnt, it was paradoxically the softest crust I've ever experienced. I cannot explain this. I will not even try. It was off-putting and sort of horrible.

The good news is that the rest of this slice was good. The cheese was pretty damn good, and the oregano was awesome, I loved it. The sauce was also pretty damn good. On the whole, I'll even say that the slice tasted pretty good, because of the spice, the sauce and the cheese. The crust, though, had zero flavor, zero moisture, a pitiful, unleavened crumb and it just made me want to recirc into infinity.

As I was leaving, one of the pizza makers dropped an entire pie onto the floor, as he was taking it out of the oven. Maybe he did the same with this plain pie, and maybe that would explain the shortcomings of the product which I received. Maybe this is just how they make pizzas here: 1. Make pie; 2. Throw it on the floor; 3. Sell that shit.

Points taken off for a terrible crust and what can only be described as a complete lack of pride in the product they peddle.

Dough is paramount.

5 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Frank's Pizza - $2.43
8 N Carolina Beach Ave,  Carolina Beach, NC 28428

Frank's Pizza on Urbanspoon