Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

16Aug/110

Break Time Grille

Posted by pete

Well it is a motherfucking bowling alley, after all

I never intended to review this place. Break Time is a bowling alley, or something. I guess more accurately it's a few bars, a big pool hall, a bowling alley, and an arcade with a kitchen somewhere in the back. It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet of immature vices. Personally, I've moved onto bigger things in life. Any place without a Cleveland Steamer lounge is almost entirely uninteresting to me.

Based on the (admittedly poor) counsel of a friend, I ventured here and tried the pizza even though they don't sell slices. Personally I think it's idiotic for a bowling alley to only serve pies. Slices are the money-makers. $2.50 for a slice or $10 for 8 slices. Even with my primordial understanding of mathematics I'm pretty sure there's more profit in the slice business. But I digress.

Right off the bat, opening the box and looking at the pizza I could tell that it wouldn't be the worst pizza I've reviewed here. And while that's true and all, I wish I had just stopped at this first observation and gifted this pizza to a random college-area hobo (who would have dumped the pizza and crafted a crack pipe out of the box).

Upon first taste, I was surprised to kind of enjoy it. But I was pretty hungry and also moderately drunk. The more I ate of it after that first bite, the more pronounced the problems became. The most immediate problem was the floppiness of the crust, which in turn led me to notice that it is screen-cooked. This is, after all, a bowling alley pie so perhaps I should not expect them to use peels to work their pies. However, they do claim to make dough daily.  This leads me to what is probably my biggest complaint: the dough itself.

I'd bet good money they have approximately zero salt in their dough recipe. Or maybe they just forgot to add it this time. I don't know or care. Also, based on the inordinate amount of time it took me to process and shit this pizza out I'm guessing their "daily" dough is used the same day they make it. In my experience, that is a usually a gastrointestinal nightmare in the making.

Onto the cheese: there was far too much of it and it was kind of crummy. I'm guessing part-skim (even though the pie was a bit greasy). It sometimes had the toe-cheese  consistency of ricotta or something, which was off-putting. And the sauce, while not entirely offensive, was weird and pasty.

Also, the remainder of the pie was fucking terrible when cold. This is always a telling sign.

With all those negatives out of the way I'm forced to admit that this pizza wasn't horrible, in relation to other pizza I've had around town. And for a bowling alley pizza, I guess I'd have to say it is above par. Or whatever par is in bowling terms.

They're lucky I was drunk

5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Break Time Grille - $10 + tax
127 S. College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

Breaktime on Urbanspoon

4Jun/112

Costco

Posted by pete


Never do this to yourself


My phone died. This is my interpretation of what Costco looks like from the outside. It doesn't really matter. Costco pizza is Costco pizza and if you are a member, you've probably had it and if you are a dumb fat American I guarantee you loved it.

When the first thing you see before ordering a slice of pizza is some girl sticking a meat thermometer in it, you know you're eating at a classy joint. Maybe this is common practice for places that keep hot pizza on hand but fuck all that noise.  One time I had this hardon for Thoreau and decided to live on an island. In true Thoreau fashion I brought an 18" cheese pizza with me in the canoe and I ate on that thing for three days. I didn't die. I also shat in holes and acted like a savage. With pizza. Shit was still good. I didn't even have a meat thermometer! Hell, I don't even think meat should be cooked let alone have it's temperature taken. I dream of a world filled with cows and pigs walking around covered in bloody, maggot-infested human chomp wounds.

I've spoken before about having a cheesebaby  fucked into me, but Costco takes the cake. Trying to ingest the cheese on this slice was like sticking a whole handful of gum in my mouth, except it didn't taste good and the entire time I was filled with thoughts of having to swallow that shit at some point, i.e. impending doom. Oh yeah and that was every bite. I ate this slice as fast as I could and it still took at least a decade to finish.

Well, you know the pizza was shitty, there was no reason for me to review it, et cetera. But for two bucks it's got some credibility in the fatass department. It takes the fucking cake. Or pie, as it were.

This shit was greasy as all get out yet still mostly flavorless. It was terrible. Crustwise, I think a scholar with an interesting name said it best, so ignore all my shit and click that link. Long and short of it is that Costco's crust is a greasy, disgusting nightmare. When it comes to this slice of pizza that I'm reviewing, it was the worst of every world. And it was a big bastard. In the repurposed words of my favorite comedic genius, it had the weight of a fat baby and a dead dog. I felt like shit for a while afterwards, but for two bucks it could be a cheap way to have dinner. Awful, though.

Infinite bad.

8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

CASCO THE INFINITE OBLIVION DESTROYER OF GUTS - $2.15
5351 Gingerwood Drive,  Wilmington, NC 28405

Costco Food Court on Urbanspoon

23Feb/1115

Goodfellas Pizza

Posted by pete

Fairly shit

This place took over from the S. College location of Krazy Pizza. Wow that pizza was shitty. I remember my little sister won a free pizza from here or something and instead of consuming it she just threw it at a hobo, square in the face. Thankfully, Goodfellas' pizza was better than the old Krazy's. Maybe. I don't fucking know. I think I ate at the old Krazy establishment once and it was awful but it was probably seven or more years ago.

Regardless, I was hoping this place would be really great. I have high hopes for new places, I really do. Apparently everyone that read my Pizzetta's review thinks I'm a terrible whirlwind of illiterate, unpalated, diseased ineptitude. Luckily for me, I'm pretty sure everyone that commented thusly either has a stake in the place or is long on chromosomes. So I came to Goodfellas hoping to have a great god damn slice; hoping to be able to rave about a new establishment in a shitty town full of assholes eating shitty, filthy shit. Instead I went into a giant and empty weirdo pizzeria. It was like 7 or 7:30 p.m. and there was literally no one in here besides 2 pizza cooks and a girl behind the register. And this place is huge. And they're like a tenth of a mile from UNCW. And they serve cheep beer. At this point, I knew I was fucked.

And then I knew I was super fucked when I walked in, because this is strictly a waitressed establishment. And when I say strictly, I don't mean strictly. I don't know what I mean. Maybe the girl behind the counter was just really bored with sitting behind the counter for hours and demanded to wait on me as though I wanted something besides a fucking slice of pizza in a shitty hole-in-the-wall pizzeria. More than likely they're trying to force a sit-down atmosphere in a cheapo college area. It worked I guess because instead of a slice I got 2 slices, a drink and left a tip. Fuck it, I've already gone off on a tangent, I'm gonna go off on another: This shopping center simply can't handle all these businesses, parking-wise. Bdobo alone could fill up the entire parking lot of this place, and they deserve to be able to do so cuz that place is awesome. Throw in a Japanese place, a couple bars, a pizzeria, a bunch of clothing places, a college book store, an adult store, a video game store, all the other shit that is there and, well, everything is fucked. Sorry.

But, thankfully (in a sense), this place is fucked for other, more pertinent, reasons. I was disheartened to have to shell out extra money for a waitress, but she was very nice and particularly attractive, if I may stoop so low to say so. I didn't mind putting a dollar or two in her tip jar. But fuck me the pizza was really, really crummy.

Looks pretty terrible, but let's keep an open mind. Don't bother, it sucked. Too much sauce and the sauce was fucked. It was way overspiced, overcooked and likely even burnt. I only say likely because I found, later on, a number of burnt, crunchy mystery morsels embedded in the bottom of my crust. Way gross. I can't be entirely sure if the sauce itself was burnt but I think it was, and regardless, I know that the whole fucking slice tasted burnt so what's the difference. I don't think the cheese tasted like fuck-all, but honestly I cannot attest to it because my mouth just had this terrible char flavor the entire time. The crust was both overly soft and had sort of a nice crunch. The only explanation is the use or overuse of dough conditioner. As an aside, the crust's flavor didn't exist. It was like a black hole of 'fuck you.' If you are wondering how I knew this since everything tasted burnt, I fucking ate a bite out of the rim right off gates, so fuck you. Also, the slice on the right's rim looks like someone mangled it with their thumb. Check it out. Fuck that.

I'd like to give this place some tips (not that they'll read this or care), but I can't. You have to start from scratch as far as the pizza goes. The good news is that you are in good company. This town is shit. The bad news is that you are near the campus. Living amongst parent-funded stoners, you have to be either good, or cheap. You are basically fucking neither. You won't last and I don't care. And yes, that is the fucking bourbon talking.

God save good pizza.

6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

---

Update 7/29/2011 - I've been here since then and the pizza didn't taste like burnt shit. It was actually completely different from the slices previously reviewed. Didn't even seem remotely similar.

 
Goodfellas Pizza - $2.69
417 S. College Rd., Wilmington, NC 28403

Goodfellas Pizza on Urbanspoon

22Feb/115

Incredible Pizza

Posted by pete

A big fucking slice of pizza

I've been to this Incredible Pizza location approximately once before, a number of years ago. This may speaks volumes as I now mention that I successfully went to university like a half mile from this place for an unspecified number of years, and lived probably a tenth of a mile from here for a while, too. When I was living nearby, I was consuming virtually nothing but ramen, pasta, marijuana and hallucinogens, though. Pizza was kind of out of my income bracket, so perhaps it speaks no kind of volume whatsoever. Now that I make decent money for literally or figuratively jerking off, as the case may or may not be, I am free to trek across town to places like this and leave the ramen for my roommate to steal, in a drunken or non-drunken stupor, as the case may or may not be.

The picture above is somewhat of a curiosity in that it does not include a picture of the company's awning, or sign, or whatever. They had one, but it was not lit up and it was dark out. I don't know what the deal was and I'm pretty sure I don't give a shit. I went here not expecting much. Incredible Pizza establishments seem to come and go around here. I don't know if what I just said is a factual statement, but it's the impression I get and that is paramount. My impression also being that it's one of those places like Mellow Mushroom that really seems to depend more upon their toppings than anything else. My reviews tending to be of a plain slice by default, I had my reservations.

Probably before I say anything else it would be best to post a picture of the slice:

This slice is so big they give it to you on two plates. I'm very much okay with this shit right here. Also, I'm also pretty god damn sure this is not how this place used to be. This was reinforced by the fact that the only other dude eating pizza in the place made the exact same observation. This is a huge god damn slice! But, attempting to not be distracted by the enormity of this bastard, I had some very immediate concerns that were soon realized in actuality. Firstly: half this slice is barely thicker than the plates it rests on. I appreciate a thin crust. It is the literal backbone of NY-style pizza. But give me a fucking break, there are limits. This pizza is fairly well beyond those limits. Here's a (fucking terrible) picture I took of the slice's inability to hold up to a simple fold:

The horizontal bit on the right is the angle that the entire slice should have held. The picture is shitty; far shittier than the slice, in fact. Another issue with this slice was that there was a gaping area which was wholly without cheese and almost entirely (I think) without sauce. Here's a fucking close-up:

Pretty unacceptable. If you see the guys at I <3 NY make a pie, they take their god damn time and everything is fucking perfect. That's probably the difference between having people who seem to have a stake in the place making the pizza, and letting college kids make your pies. Shit. That was definitely my Dad's northeast union voice coming out. In any case, that is probably the last bad thing I can say about my slice. And, to be honest, the mistopping of my slice wasn't much of a detraction.

The crust tasted good. More and more, that seems like a rarity around here. As I said before, the slice was also a fucking monster. Their menu indicates the biggest pie they offer is an 18". This shit was cut from a 20"+ pie or my name isn't Shitdick McFuckyoureaders. The cheese was either pretty or very good. The sauce was okay. I don't think there was very much on here, but it didn't negatively affect the slice so it was okay by me. After eating a fair portion of the front of the slice it became holdable via my normal fold method, which was a relief. The slice was quite pricey at $2.70 after tax, but based on the size (and to a degree the overall quality) I'm not sure how terrible this price is, really.

Overall, this slice had it's faults. The last thing I wrote in my notes is that I wanted another, and that really has to count for something. Instead I went to Goodfella's on South College to round out my trip and now I am all ate up with the dumbass as a result because that shit was mostly garbage (stay tuned). I can virtually not factor in the seemingly obscene price due to the bigness of the slice. However, I have to factor in the terrible thinness of the crust, as well as the shoddy workmanship on the topping of the cheese. The question is: how much to subtract? When it comes down to it, I'm forced to give preference to the slice that is best overall, as well as the slice that tastes the best, and the slice that doesn't try to fuck my face with a metric shit ton of shitty cheese because it apparently assumes I'm a morbidly obese American uber-consumer (which I am).

In conclusion, this was a surprisingly good slice. If it were thick enough to hold up to, well, being picked up, and if it were properly topped, it would probably come close to matching Brooklyn and I <3 NY. Being that it is more or less right in between both of those front runners (geographically), it is likely the best pizzeria in the college/midtown area of town. Especially if the Racine/Eastwood Michaelangelo's is now as bad as the one on South College.

Haters gonna hate. BTW they serve beer.

3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Incredible Pizza - $2.70
4719 New Centre Drive, Ste F, Wilmington, NC 28405

Incredible Pizza on Urbanspoon