Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

8Feb/110

Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs

Posted by pete

I'd love to wear a rainbow every day, and tell the world that everything's okay

Jesus, fuck. I was pretty sure my day, from a culinary perspective, had hit its low after I vomited up all of my (rather bad) lunch. How wrong I was. I just got back from going to Michaelangelos on South College, or some-fucking-where. I don't give a shit where it was. I also went to the new Slice of Life on South College, which I will post about next. These two stupid piece of shit establishments have double-handedly shaken my belief in Pizza. Being that I have no god, I try to hold onto what little I do believe in, and I take this shit seriously.

I used to go to the Michaelangelos (also, ever heard of an apostrophe you shitbirds?) off Eastwood sometimes during my college days at UNCW. All you can eat for 5 bucks? Alright, I'll eat that shit. And the pizza was, I thought, pretty good. I probably never had a fucking plain slice there, though, come to think of it. I remember one particular occasion where I took far too much LSD and was out of my fucking skull for 18 or 20 or some stupid number of hours, dry heaving like a maniac and quite concerned that if I wasn't already, I'd probably be dead soon. Then a friend took me to Michaelangelos and the beach, and I was cured. So even though this place is basically my savior, Michaelangelos can eat shit in hell forever. Just like Jesus Christ.

The crust was weirdly soft and sort of dense, had no character, sucked balls, had a bit of a foul taste. The cheese seemed bland at first but then I ran into globs and globs of it and realized that it was fucking gross. I don't know if there was sauce on here and I don't care. Maybe the sauce was good, but I couldn't even taste it, so I don't care. In all likelihood it was probably very gross too, for balance and consistency.  And this thing cost $2.54, which is a scam. Get the fuck outta here. If I come there during lunch you guys are gonna charge me $5 for as much gross horseshit as I can stuff down my gullet, but this one terrible slice costs half that? A plain slice should be two dollars in this area, unless it's very good. Since this slice was very bad it should be under two dollars.

Avoid this fucking place. Hell, avoid Monkey Junction altogether.

Somehow Slice of Life was worse than this. Sort of.

6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54
5617 Carolina Beach Road Unit 110,  Wilmington, NC 28409

Michaelangelos Pizza on Urbanspoon

27Jan/111

Antonio’s Pizza & Pasta

Posted by pete

This shit is just fucking terrible

You think this picture is shitty? Fuck you, the pizza was worse.

Okay, I'm changing up the motherfucking dynamic. I am live blogging the creation of this blog. I don't think this has ever been done in the history of the internet so get ready for history creation. I will call it liveblogblogging.

Right now I'm a bit drunk. The blog is going pretty well. Who knows where it could go. There's a fair amount of excitement in the air. Right now we are aware that the blog is about Antonio's. Actually I think this will soon devolve into infinite recursion, which is the only thing I know of worse than infinite recircumcision. End of liveblogblogging.

Antonio's is a local chain sort of place. I think they had about three locations; now they have about two locations. As of tonight, I've been to three of the locations, including the one that's now closed. I've never been really impressed with the slice. You'd think that if a place is successful enough to open more locations, that they must be good (example: Brooklyn). This is proven incredibly wrong by the following: Antonio's, Krazy, Gumby's, Slice of Life, and probably others. Like Dominos, Papa Johns and Pizza Hut. And basically every other place that has multiple locations.

I was planning on going to 3 pizzerias tonight, to get this shit over with as quickly as possible. So, first I went to Slice of Life's new location on South College. It was packed as shit in there (no space at the bar), so I left there and I went to Michaelangelo's on South College. I asked for a slice of plain pizza, and, wonder of wonders, they were plum out. How does that happen? Maybe they ran out of cheese. Fuck these guys because that doesn't even make sense. Every pizza has cheese on it, and they had other pies out there. Out of double-deep fried herpdong pizza? Okay, I understand. You can't run out of cheese pizza, though. It's inexcusable. Fuck you guys.

So then I went to Antonio's on South College and it was as bad as I expected. Actually it was worse. The crust was terrible. Look at the rim on this crust, fuck it. Also, it was a total fakeout: It looked pretty good right off the bat, but look a bit closer and you can tell it's made from all-purpose flour or some garbage. Maybe it is made from actual garbage, I don't know. Basically, you can pretty quickly tell that the dough is going to be fucky. However, it had a nice crunch to it and it seemed cooked alright at first glance. But fuck that shit: the crust was dry as hell, and it was flavorless. And some of the god damned dough seemed raw and some of it seemed overcooked to shit.

The sauce was passable and the cheese was worthless, like the slice as a whole. The cheese was completely flavorless garbagetown nothingness. Fuck this slice, fuck this restaurant, fuck all these people straight to hell. When I was eating my slice outside, multiple people called me brave. Alright. I know this is the south but 40+ degree weather does not require bravery, it requires clothing. Fuck you guys, too.

Also the slice was expensive all get out. Don't charge me $2.43 for a shitty plain slice, you fucking bastards. Give it to me free and apologize. If anyone from Antonio's is reading this, here are some fucking free tips you fucking fuckface fuckers: 1. buy better cheese; 2. some spice, somewhere, wouldn't hurt; look up 'salt' in a dictionary and consider adding it to your dough; 3. fuck you; 4. buy some decent flour. I buy my high gluten pizza flour from a bagel place in town (Ken's) and my dough destroys you. I'm not even a pizzeria, I'm just fatass idiot. Fuck you guys.

I take it back, infinite recircumcision is way worse that infinite recursion. I don't know what I was thinking.

Rating:

7 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Antonio's Pizza & Pasta - $2.43
5120 S College Rd # 122, Wilmington, NC 28412

Antonio's Pizza & Pasta on Urbanspoon

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