The shitwinds are blowing, here comes Round 3
This is the third Slice of Life location I have reviewed, and hopefully the last. Hopefully I will conclude this terrible blog before they spread their cancer further. I think in previous reviews I decided not to link to their site because it spammed a bunch of aural nonsense which pissed me off, so I'll stick with that. This, as far as I know, is the second location that this terrible local chain has created. As I discussed before, this place thrives off the marrow found in the backbone of drunks - Slice's lifeblood is spinewhiskey; which, incidentally, I would love to try, should it ever really come to exist. Jacking up your late night prices and charging drunks $18+tax for a large pepperoni pizza? You've no shame. Luckily your customers have no brains, so congrats. I wish Congress would pass an Alcoholic Preservation Act to protect wild hobos from the onslaught of abuses coming from rampant capitalism. However, that's the archetypal example of a pipe dream.
Hold on a second, I've got to fill out these bankruptcy forms because I just bought a fucking taco from Slice last night. Never mind, they take plastic. More tequila, por favor.
Since apparently this terrible blog is about reviewing pizza and not critiquing a thriving capitalist business model, I'll talk about the slice after showing you this photo. It looked better in person, I have to say. I'm not a fucking photographer; I'm a fatass.
In any case, this slice is bigger than that of the location on S. College and about the same size, or larger, than that of the location downtown. This discussion of size is sort of relevant when you're paying goddamn $2.70 after tax for a slice. Likewise, as a reasonable person at a bar, I threw my server a tip. It's just basic etiquette, really. I don't even fucking understand it (in this case, when I'm the only person in fucking sight, take up no valuable bar space and she did virtually no work), but having worked in the industry I am forced to live by it. So this slice cost me $3.70. This is not a pizzeria in the NY sense, it is a bar in the college-town sense, which just happens to serve half-hearted, floppy artery-jangers as a side note.
When it comes down to it, the best thing I can say about this slice is that it is the best slice of Slice of Life pizza I have ever reviewed. It's better than what I got from either the downtown or the South College locations. The bad news is that saying such is not saying much.
The cheese was alright and the sauce, for the most part, wasn't terribly noticeable. The crust was your typical Slice crust and it was the main source of the slice's problems. It was cooked on a screen, apparently. It wasn't bad for the most part but I guess they felt the need to perforate it all over to make it as dense and terrible as physics allows. Fucking great, guys. No one else does this, and there's a damn reason they don't. Like the downtown location (and unlike the slice I got from the South College location), the rim of the crust was coated in a bunch of garlic butter. Fucking terrible. I assume that's on there to entice people to eat the crust, or something? Well, it's disgusting. The slice overall wasn't particularly awful but after eating the rim of the crust, basically all I could taste was shitty garlic butter. Fuck that.
Their menu says that their dough is made with purified water. I would have guessed clarified butter, but what do I know.
5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Slice of Life Pizzeria & Pub - $2.70 1437 Military Cutoff Rd # 101, Wilmington, NC 28403
Slice of Shit
This place is fucking stupid. Pizzeria that serves booze? You had me at pizzeria. But god damn do I love booze. This should be an easy winner. Slice has new locations popping up like herpes sores in Jersey.Also I'm not going to link their website, cuz it just destroyed the fuck out of my eardrums because my shit was turned up too high and their website was made by an idiot. Guess I'll remove it from the other Slice review too. While waiting for my slice I wrote in my notes (yes I keep notes), "I dread this." Upon receiving my slice, I followed this note up with: "worse than I could've imagined." That pretty much sums it up. Jesus shitdick Christ.
Part of me wishes this picture came out better, but I'm also kind of glad it came out so poorly because this shit is painful to recollect. It kind of looks like a crust bubble up and janged this slice up, but no dice. What's going on here is that it looks like they made a vaguely okay slice and then some shitass dumbfuck took his grubby mitts and just totally mangled it, somehow, for some unholy reason. I can't think of a single time in my life that I've sent food back, but I would've sent this back if not for this stupid blog.
Also this slice is way fucking small. Really fucking small. Smallest pizza in town yet, and the most expensive. That's about what you can expect from Slice of Life in most regards. For example, here is what they consider to be drink "specials":
Garbage. Okay, back to the pizza. Similar shitty crust to the downtown location, but I dont think it had that weird garlic butter shit on it, which is a plus. The cheese was okay and the sauce was okay, in fairly decent ratios. But the crust fucked this slice right to hell (where it ate shit with Michaelangelo and Jesus, forever). It was cooked on a screen and when I say cooked, I mean burnt to shit on the bottom. The interior of the crust was no better. It was, in fact, considerably worse because it was super fucked up kinds of raw. I couldn't even finish this shit.
I always finish my food, because my mother and father instilled in me the One American Truth: Only a policy of rampant waste and overconsumption can save the poor starving children in China. The fact that I didn't finish this gross shit speaks volumes. Worst slice of pizza I've ever had in Wilmington.
Commence the recirc.
7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Slice of Life Pizzeria & Pub - $2.70 (or something) 3715 Patriot Way Unit 101, Wilmington, NC 28412
Another crappy pizzeria downtown
A lot of people like the pizza Slice puts out. They also serve their slices hot, which puts them ahead of Princess. I think that's probably the most positive I can get in this review. After I went to Princess I went to Barbary Coast and got a bit drunk. After that I stopped in at Slice before going to see Champion of the Sun. I figured by doing so I'd have taken care of almost all of downtown, thereby relieving me of ever having to go back to these shitty places. Also by getting sort of drunk I became more in line with the bulk of Slice's customer base. Slice of Life is the bar/pizzeria most centrally located in the alcoholic cesspool that is Wilmington, NC. So when the drunks get kicked out of bars, Slice is their primary option. When 2am rolls around, the lights get flicked on and the drunken roaches scurry for the darkness, Slice is virtually their only option.
The cheese was okay but there was too much of it. The slice was cooked on a screen and it was hella floppy. This pizza reminded me of the really terrible homemade pies my mom used to make with all purpose flour and a shitty home oven. Slice's was better but they share some characteristics. Sauce was non-descript, probably because it was overpowered by the cheese. They put some kind of butter around the rim of the pizza that has a ton of powdered garlic in it, or something. That's a real cop out, and it's fucking gross too.
If you're shit-hammered downtown and you need a slab of cheese in your gullet, this would probably satisfy you. And if you love the shit out of toppings on your slice, maybe you can't go wrong because a 6-topping slice will allegedly cost you only $3.50. Which doesn't even make sense to me. The plain slice costs $2.50, making it the most expensive slice downtown. I'm going to try to break this down as best as I know how.
Assuming you want pizza right now ...
1. Do you hate yourself?
If you answered yes, go to Princess Pizza. If you answered no, continue to #2.
2. Is Slice of Life the only place open?
If you answered yes, go to Slice of Life. If you answered no, continue to #3.
2. Do you want beer with your pizza?
If you answered yes, go to Fat Tony's. If you answered no, go to I<3NY Pizza.
In terms of pizzerias downtown, that is what my boss would call "the long and short of it."
Also cheers to this place for making so much money off of drunks that they can open two new awful locations but still can't afford to offer decent drink specials.