Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Mystery Matchup!!

Posted by pete

This blog is hitting a new low. A while back, I don't even know how long ago, I bought a couple containment units of pizza at the dollar store. I actually really like that dollar store. It's the one by CiCi's on South College. There's a closer dollar store right near my house, across town from the godly store I'm mentioning, but everything there costs like four dollars. It should be called 4Dollar Store. It's a great scam, I guess.

The worst thing about this review is that I don't even remember what the fucking pizzas are called, and I never took pictures of the packaging. For convenience purposes I will just call one of them French Bread Shitdick and the other one Triple Shitbird Express. The naming scheme may make more sense upon reading the rest of the review (or not). The second worst thing about this review is that I ate this bullshit weeks ago (I think) and my recollections are notoriously vague given such vast spans of time. The best thing about this review is that it's 7a.m. and I'm drinking Beast Ice, again!

French Bread Shitdick  (a fucking dollar)

For a dollar I was not entirely offended by this pizza. My girlfriend is nearly blind and in bed and saw the above picture and asked me if I was reviewing dildos or something. Don't I wish. I put my standard accoutrements on here (oregano, crushed red pepper) and cooked it up. I sort of remember that one of the two of these had no oven-instructions, only microwave. I'm looking a little closer at the packaging and it seems this one had oven instructions. Which means Triple Idiot Surprise did not. So there's that.

This is not the best dollar pizza in the world but it's not the worst. It had some flavor and the French bread-ish crust was almost successful, in a dollar store sort of way. Honestly, though, this thing would have better use being thrown at those idiot kids you see skateboarding around convenience stores. I mean, doesn't their trailer park have pavement? Oh yeah, nope.

Triple Farting Flapjack Shutup (It was a dollar, man)

I also forget the name of this shitty product but it proved to me, once and for all, that God is a real fucking jerk. This shit was worse than the other crap above. It didn't taste like anything at all. I just drank a leftover half-can of nightstand beer from last night and it was superior to this triple facefuck of nothingness.

I thought it would be good, too; that's the worst part. I like mini pizzas, I don't know why ... They're fucking cute! I admit it. What could have been a delicious treat turned out to be some seriously stupid crap. Sadly I don't remember what the fuck it was even called so I'll probably buy it again because of how fucking adorable these little bastards are. I buy kittens all the time before realizing I'm allergic and then I just end up throwing them at skateboarding kids of limited means.

Winner: Frenchy Tits Magoo

I'll try to update this bullshit later when I find out what the fuck I even ate.