Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

5Apr/120

Pizzetta’s Pizzeria Round Deux

Posted by pete

I liked the pizza this time so you can get off my back and jump up my butt

I got a lot of flak for giving Pizzetta's a mediocre review last time. Some time ago I journeyed back there again (with my mommy this time) and had some pasta dish that was really good. Considering the conflicting opinions of others regarding their pizza and my conflicting opinion of their other food, I decided to revisit Pizzettas. But I'm a lazy man, as you have surely come to realize.

The other day, I went to check out whether or not Sbarro had indeed closed down and turned into a place called SCOTTO PIZZA (no joke). It had not but this change is apparently forthcoming. Luckily they can not possibly do worse than the shit Sbarro was peddling last time I was feeling masochistic. So then I had to figure what to eat for lunch (no, fuck mallcourt food). Though Flaming Amy's was the obvious choice, I remembered my responsibility to my loyal readership (only briefly, mind you), and headed to Pizzetta's to get their $5.50+tax 2-slice-and-drink lunch special.

This time I decided to hedge my bets and get a regular slice and a Nonna's slice. Below is the regular slice:

This already looks a lot more promising than the vaguely-passable stuff I was served before - and it was. My only slight complaint would be that it was too sweet - the sauce mostly. Which is weird because last time I loved the sauce. Maybe the tomatoes were a bit sweeter than before, or they used too much sugar? I don't know. The sauce was still good. And I thought the cheese was better than before. At the very least it wasn't applied to the slice by a maniacal dump truck. The ratios were all quite right. The dough consistency was fairly good, but I kind of thought it also had a strange bit of sweetness.

The Nonna's slice was great:

I wasn't even planning on reviewing this because it looked weird. Then I had a few bites (in the span of approximately one second) and changed my mind. I then snapped that shitty picture you see above. I don't know if this goes for all Nonna's slices, but this thing was pretty big. And it was awesome. It had the same problem of the sauce being too sweet but fuck it, this shit was good. Did it look weird? Yes. Do you look weird? Probably. Live and let die. I killed this pizza.

I would offer a mea culpa for my previous review, but that would be ignoble. The other slice I had wasn't very good. It wasn't very bad, either. It had serious issues, though. Sometimes restaurants have off days - and therein lies the problem with most restaurant reviews. While I'm sure a lot of professionals will make multiple visits to a single establishment to ensure their opinion is scientifically sugarplums and rainbows, I don't have time for that bullshit. If I ate at every one of these places three times I would probably be fat enough to be on Medicaid. And then I wouldn't have mounting medical debt. Hey... hmmmm.

As an aside, sorry for the lack of updates recently. That's all you get. No excuses. Also, if anyone emailed me in the past two weeks, or sent messages via the Feedback thing, I probably didn't get it. I forgot to switch the mail stuff over to the new host because I'm a genius.

Hypnotoad!!

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Pizzetta's Pizzeria - $2.43
4107 Oleander Drive, Wilmington, NC 28403

Pizzetta's Pizzeria on Urbanspoon

11Mar/121

KickBack Jack’s

Posted by pete

Kick back your fucking pizza to the moon

I love KickBack Jack's. I didn't think I would because I hate every place that resembles this place, particularly Carolina Ale House. That statement will assuredly piss off my buddy over at LiquorLunch, who loves that crummy place and who also loved KickBack Jack's when we went there today.

But I hate the fucking pizza. Fuck these guys. Don't you dare publicly exclaim that you have the best pizza in town. They seriously write that on the menu! A chain restaurant in multiple cities! Fucking jerks. Honestly I took it as more of a warning than anything else. If you have the best pizza in town you just shut the fuck up and reap the rewards. I'm thinking of I <3 NY and Brooklyn right now, not fucking SLICE OF TERRIBLE PIZZA-INFUSED LIFE. OH WE WON ENCORE BECAUSE WE PAY PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR US AND WE ARE FUCKING GFUCPKOIJHKJHKJHIKUHIUH FDSOUHFDSUH. Okay. Fuck. Well I hate those guys.

They shouldn't even serve this shit to people. Serve it to my dead dog - I think he's buried in my back yard in New York. I bet John Walsh didn't know that, when he bought my crappy old house. Heh! Actually there were probably a lot of pets buried back there. Not because we were killing them off intentionally or anything, mind you. Pets die, you fucking twat. Well actually one time after I was catching frogs in some sewage runoff I brought back my latest amphibian trophy to show off to my brother and his friends. They really wanted it and I couldn't get away so I just threw it as high as my 7-year-old arms could manage. I was seven. Fuck you, I don't feel good about it either. Pavement.

The pizza. Fucking hell. The crust was not offensive. Not entirely offensive, at least. Well-browned, minimal oven spring, not terribly under-seasoned and it held its form. But we can say that about most chains, right? So consider the crust average at best. The sauce was far over-spiced, too-thick, but still not the worst of the lot. The stupid cheese was fucked. I'll steal a thought from LiquorLunch and say that Byron probably put the cheese on here, to make room for his crack rocks in the cheese containment unit. I can see it now. I'd call him a poor bastard but I know he's better off than me. I love Byron. That one time on Front Street when I offered you a slice of pizza in lieu of money and you rejected my offer, demanding a million dollars instead - comedy gold, sir!

The pizza I was served also looked dumb as all get-out. Part of that is my fault. I ordered half a pizza and a salad (it was a deal or something, fuck you). I expected a normal cheese pie cut in half but what I got was some fucking mongoloid monstrosity where somebody tried to form half a dough ball (or something) into a half-pie. On the one hand, fuck this approach. Just give me a smaller pizza, you shitbirds. On the other, equally negative hand, if they did rip a normal dough ball in half and then form it into this and cook it, it might explain why there was not much rise in the crust.

Oh man this picture is big. It's the Caesar salad I got. It was really good! Everything else I had was really good. Their house beer is two bucks on Sundays (edit: this might be an every day special). It was good! I thought I recognized it but I was too busy  getting drunk to be entirely sure. It is good though. It's the sort of beer an idiot domestic drinker could love and a shitty beer snob could tolerate. I had two because Sunday is God's day and I worship the destruction of my liver.

Hey by the way, give me money:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ilmza/ilmzacom-in-ebook-form. For people that donate, I'm posting a short video I made before writing this review. Damn ain't you lucky. I might post this later for everyone to enjoy, so they can hear my luxurious voice, but it will be a while! You can't wait that long, I'm sure, so just get on with it.

Oh, I forgot to mention this important point. While waiting for my food, a baby threw a steak knife at me. I'm going to repeat that because chances are I'll never have the opportunity to truthfully write those words again (I hope): A baby threw a steak knife at me. First the little bastard threw a bottle or something innocuous, I guess as kind of a warning shot across the bow. Then the little motherfucker turned around and grinned at me and being the incompetent oaf that I am,  I smiled and waved at him. He was kind of cute in a murdery sort of way. I guess the little guy didn't appreciate the wave; luckily for me, he throws like a girl.

I'm sexy and I know it


6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

6.99 + taxicles (half-pizza and salad)
418 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

KickBack Jack"s on Urbanspoon

22Sep/112

Nicola’s

Posted by pete

Surprisingly good

One commonly hears the phrase "save the best for last," and I for one say fuck that shit. I save the worst for last, because I hate myself this much (I'm spreading my arms really wide right now). I like knowing that it's all downhill from any given point. Maybe things were good during some nebulous fantasy time period in the past, but the future is destined to be a shitstorm of shitbricks,  en fuego.

With this mindset in, well, mind, I saved Nicola's for nearly last. I didn't think it would be good at all, for whatever reason. I'd been here once before, if memory serves. It was a long while back, though, and may have been a different restaurant entirely but in the same location. I don't even know why I was there or what I had, if anything. Was I there with family, or friends? On hallucinogens or narcotics or uppers? Maybe with both friends and family and on all three, who knows? I had a vaguely bad experience that time, but lets chalk it up to the acid.

On Tuesdays, Nicola's has a deal for $5 12" pepperoni or cheese pizzas. Normally they're 7-8 dollars. Apparently the Tuesday deal is dine-in only, but they never mention this. Ancient Chinese secret. Anyway I got mine to go because I'm the boss. I opened the box and was surprised to see a pizza that looked quite like a miniature NY pie. I was expecting it to look more Neapolitan, given that the pizzas are referred to as wood-fired. One oddity of this pie was that the rim of the crust was very thin. Not a big deal, though.

This shit was really good! Some of the best in town. If I lived or worked nearby, I'd probably go here every Tuesday. The cheese was very good, with proper grease levels. The sauce was more than passable. The crust was probably worked a little too much around the rim but overall it was actually very good and well seasoned. The slices were thin and had very good structure. Is it wood-fired, as the menu states? Could be; there was a little bit of char on the bottom, in any case.

Very good pizza, very good deal (on Tuesdays, otherwise it's just okay).

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Nicola's - $5-7 + tax
5704 Oleander Dr Ste 102,  Wilmington, NC 28403

Nicola's on Urbanspoon

23May/113

Gumby’s Pizza

Posted by pete

Thanks for shitting on my childhood, jerkbags

I had no plans to review this place. I've been here once before almost a decade ago and even though I was probably stoned to oblivion I still knew I was eating garbage. But it seems a certain, small, deviant minority of Wilmington gets a kick out of these reviews and since I can still afford the gut rot whiskey it takes to write them, I figured I owed it to my readers to shit down Gumby's throat. Hell, they're more of a pizzeria than some of the places I've reviewed. I think.

Well I got there at almost 6 p.m. expecting to pick up a pie and wonder of wonders, the fucking oven has been fucking off and my pizza has just been sitting in a cold oven. I mean if you open at 6 p.m. maybe that's almost excusable but they allegedly open at 4 p.m. Luckily I didn't care that much since it afforded me the opportunity to walk over and buy some Big Flats 1901, which I had been meaning to try. But it was still a telling sign, you know?

The pizza:

This is the smallest amount of pizza from Gumby's that I could get (as far as I could tell) and if you've read my terrible reviews you know that I'm always in favor of slices - the cheaper the better. Well shit I'm about to go off-topic again out of nowhere:

I don't understand the interior of this place. They've got a door for an employee's restroom (red/brown one on the left in the uppermost picture) and a mystery door in the back, and a sign on the front door that says "no public restrooms." I usually take that to mean no hobos are allowed to shit here, but I'm not convinced in this case. Are customers even allowed to eat in here? What are all those chairs for, people waiting? I don't know man this place is weird but if they allow people to sit down and eat they should sell slices. I think it would be in their best interest. They should also allow people to shit.

Fuck that misplaced and terrible aside I'm now going to talk about the pizza. Shit tasted like Domino's. Or maybe an amalgam of Pizza Hut and Domino's. Regardless, just skip this fucking place and eat at one of the national chains if you're craving crummy, crappy, generic pizza. Go to Gumby's and get a small 1-topping special for $5 or go to Domino's and get a large 2-topping special for $6. Same shit, different size and price. Totally your call.

As crummy as I found this pizza, I seem to find it difficult to rate. Part of me wants to shit on it for being a replica of chain garbage. Then again well-made chain garbage is better than poorly-made faux-NY style pizza. And for chain garbage it was done fairly well despite the oven kinks, which I felt compelled to mention but can't take much off for. It's in fact going to rank a tad worse than the nearby and new  Wilmington's House of Pizza, only because they were both going for the same style pizza and Gumby's came up a bit short by comparison. As an aside, the style of pizza I just referred to is called "American." Said nomenclature makes me want to rig up a tube and vomit into my own ass.

I'd like to go on record as saying that I love Gumby. The character. That fly green mofo with the horse. Baddest dude made out of clay ever, as far as I know.

I think I ate most of it anyway, in a period of overwhelming self-loathing.

6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Gumby's Pizza - $5.39
1414 S College Rd # 105  Wilmington, NC 28403

Gumby's on Urbanspoon

8May/112

Pizzetta’s Pizzeria

Posted by pete

I went back to Pizzetta's recently and while my opinion of the pizza hasn't changed, due to the fact that I haven't bothered to try it again, I can report that this place is very good. It's some of the best Italian-American shit I've had in Wilmington. Plus the portion size and price were quite good, with my dish costing less than $10 and feeding my fat self for both lunch and dinner.

Most importantly, their cannolis are the best I've ever had outside of New York (even if they are humorously small).

I'm not trying to turn this blog into another terrible, generic, dime-a-dozen food review site. I just felt like I owed Pizzetta's another mention after doing them the incredible disservice of declaring their pizza 'alright.'

6May/112

Mellow Mushroom

Posted by pete

A hell of a place


I'm a huge fan of Mellow Mushroom. Mainly because they've got a lot of beer. Also because their mascot is a mushroom, and that's basically my favorite drug ever. But I also like their sandwiches and consider them a decent bargain. Alright, you caught me; I haven't mentioned their pizza. I'm not a huge fan of their pizza.

Let's start with the good. The jalapeno slice had a lot of fuckin jalapenos on it. That's cool. Moving onto the cheese slice, it just looks dumb. It's got a weird secondary ghost cut line along the side of it. I'm not taking points off for that, I'm just commenting on it. It looks dumb. What's up with all that parmesan cheese along the rim? Newsflash, fuckfaces: you put parmesan on every table so don't unilaterally put this shit on the rim of my slices like you are the U.S. military napalming unsuspecting civilians. I don't even really like parmesan! I never put it on my pizza, thats for damn sure. I'm guessing they do this to entice you to eat the rim of the crust. How about just making your crust less shitty? Try that on for size.

Onto more of the good: I thought the sauce was good. I also thought the cheese was okay. But the crust was terrible, I'm sorry to say. There was no crunchiness anywhere in this crust. It looked like it was cooked to fucking hell, but it was floppy as all get out. It was so fucking soft and stupid and weird, it pissed me right the fuck off. Much worse than that, it was covered in corn meal on the bottom, and as a result of that, plus the under-seasoned, low-hydration, overcooked dough, the slice was just dry and stupid in my mouth. It was very disconcerting, but since I had beer it wasn't exactly the end of the world. Which is to say I didn't die.

Everyone loves this place, including me. Their pizza is a fraud, though. They view pizza crust as merely a means of carrying toppings to someone's face. That's why I review plain slices - to weed out the shysters. The crust is the backbone of all slices and if you depend on masking your bummer crust with a ton of toppings, you're not getting past me. And Mellow Mushroom does indeed have a lot of awesome, fresh toppings, applied liberally. But their crust is shitty. Most people don't give a shit about the crust, so take this review with a grain of salt. And put it in the fucking dough recipe. Probably wouldn't even help, actually.

Another pint to go with this shitty pizza, please.

5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Mellow Mushroom - $2.70
4311 Oleander Drive, Wilmington NC 28403

Mellow Mushroom on Urbanspoon