Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

16Nov/111

Dr. Oetker Pizza Mozzarella

Posted by pete

I don't know where this fucking "Dr. Oetker" got his degree but it wasn't Pizza University. First of all this pizza looks 7 kinds of retarded:

Once you cook it, it doesn't look as retarded but the weird pesto-like blobs become more apparent. I guess they're really just clumped-up minced basil but I thought it was stupid. I guess they do this instead of putting leaves on that might burn? I don't really know. It wasn't that bad.

As is often the case where some dumb motherfucker decides to be fancy and use classy mozzarella, shit backfires. Such is the case here where the good Doctor was trying to fancificate frozen pizza and failed miserably, because the cheese tasted of approximately nothing besides stupidity and week-old farts. Furthermore the crust was mediocre. It reminded me of Palermo's except worse. For the record I love the shit out of Palermo's Margherita pizza.

I don't have anything to say about the sauce. The tomatoes on top were really good.

As much shit as I've talked about this pizza, I actually enjoyed eating it, mainly because: I was drunk; I stole it and it was thusly free; and it kind of reminded me of Palermo's. I'd eat this again, should I be given another opportunity to discreetly steal a box.

For the record I stole it from my parents' house so I may be a thief but at least I'm also a loser.

Dr. Oetker is a shitbird.

Tagged as: , 1 Comment
18Oct/114

Totinos vs Tony’s

Posted by pete

I admit it: I've been neglecting this blog. Anyone that's had a blog will admit, in my desperate defense, that neglecting a blog is the best part of having one. Same with having children. The main reason I want to have kids is so that I can lock them up in the car when I go shopping. And no, I won't crack a fucking window. How much oxygen does a kid need anyway? Yeah fuck you, shut up about the heat.

I'm kind of running out of shitty pizzerias to review and it was recommended to me that I ought to review frozen pizza. Personally I thought it was a terrible idea; in fact, I still do. Id rather review my form in throwing this desk across the room; and I damn well may. In any case I bought some really shitty, cheapass pizza recently. I'm not even entirely sure why, I suppose I was drunk.

Here goes literally nothing.

Tony's  (about a buck)

Good god was this pizza bad! Wow! I added some oregano and crushed red pepper before baking it and it still tasted of nothing. This pizza is like a black hole of flavor. At least I had a beast ice to back me up. I used to work at a government office in Brunswick for a while and my lunch consisted of 3 beast ice and, well, that job was alright. I also drank a lot of custom-brewed tea while I was there. It was like the half-assed precursor to Four Loko that nature never envisioned. They'd be like: Wassup every computer is down and the servers are sucking hobo dicks in the parking lot. To which I'd respond: You ever drank 3 beast ice and chugged a bottle of Nyquil? Piss off bitch, I've got this.

Edit: I just realized that I was drinking Steel Reserve in those glory days, not beast. Carry on.

My roommate's weird-ass dog keeps coming in here. What the fuck, get out of here. He has no idea how many empty wine bottles  I have right fucking here with his name on them. Six. That's how many you dumb fucking dog. Uh anyway Tony's pizza is fucking terrible! It's so bad. That's wassup.

Totinos (about a buck, fuck you)

As you can see, I ran out of beast ice. No matter, double stack the beast non-ice. Okay the gist of it is that Totinos is better than Tony's. Totinos is god-awful. It's straight up terrible. I hate it. It's got a weird flaky bottom and it's just god damn curious. 'Curious' is not a word you want to see used in relation to food, by the way.

Given all of that, Totinos is better. Tony's is just that bad. I guess I'm supposed to offer some kind of legitimate, critical observation. Alright. Tony's is pretty straightforward in that it sorta looks like a pizza. Well newsflash it tastes of nothing and it's fucking your retarded children in a pancake house in hell.

On the other hand, Totinos is weird as all get out, strange as shit, but it actually has some kind of taste so it fucking wins.

 

Winner: Totinos

21Dec/100

Ellio’s

Posted by pete

My sincerest apologies for this

So, I fully intended to make a legitimate pizzeria review yesterday. I was going to go to Krazy Pizza and it was going to be really bad. But during in an improptu out-of-town drunken wrestling match sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning, my ankle/foot sort of area got extremely janged and it's kind of annoying to walk anywhere let alone drive a manual-transmission car just to eat shitty pizza, just to write a review. But I did have some frozen pizza in the freezer (of all places), so I'm reviewing that.

Ellio's

I've always loved Ellio's, probably due to the fact that my mother forced it down my gullet when I was a child as though she were trying to make some twisted version of foie gras. I buy this bullshit about once or twice a year and always get the plain variety. This time I guess I got pepperoni, I don't know why. It was good, it was Ellio's, fuck you.

You can view the lack of recircs as a triumph of childhood memories, or because this shit doesn't qualify as Wilmington Pizza, at all.

Rating:

(N/A)

N/A recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
Ellio's