Lord have mercy
One year ago, literally to the day, some schmuck emailed me asking my opinion of Papa Murphy's. I told him that it was outside the scope of my blog, but 'maybe I'd make an exception.' Well that guy is probably dead by now, or living in the vast sewers underneath Las Vegas or maybe he's joined a professional basketball team in Europe. He's dead to me, anyway, that's all that matters! He sorta sent me on this horrible mission and is therefore sorta responsible for the bullshit I had to endure. Hell, I'm still enduring it; a lot of it is still just sitting in my fridge, mocking me.
I didn't know what to expect from this weirdo establishment. Their website is dumb as hell, and I couldn't find much real, tangible information readily available. Entering the store was not much of a help, either; prices were listed on boards somewhat haphazardly, for various sundry pizzas. It confused me, but, in their defense, so do simple things like magnets and hirsute women. Even as I write this review, I don't know whether to handle this like a normal pizza review or one of my throwaway frozen pizza reviews. It's not frozen but it might as well be. I mean i guess it's "fresh" in the sense that they made it right in front of me and shit, but I still have to trek home, crank the oven and throw the bastard in.
So this is the medium cheese pizza. To it I added oregano and crushed red pepper (as always), and half of it got some jalapenos, because fuck you, that's why. This thing cooked at 425F for like 12 minutes, maybe. It came out looking a little scary. One thing of note is that this medium pizza seemed pretty big to me. It also had like a million pounds of cheese on it. So if you like mountains of shitty cheese, this is for you. Also I guess it was a mix of cheeses but regardless it was bland. Hot out of the oven it was stringy and whatnot but when it cooled down for like half a minute, it became a solid mass of gutbusting misery. Bite into it and it all just sloughs off. Terrible.
The sauce was pasty and unremarkable, overcooked and overseasoned and stupid. The crust was bland and offensive in its inoffensiveness. Overall, I got the distinct impression that I was eating school pizza, except worse, crossed with my mom's crappy homemade pizza, except worse. It was pretty bad. The sad thing is that I might get another pizza from here, except with toppings. God, why did I even think that just now. Fuck me.
I guess I'll give this thing a rating, since, even though it's worse than most frozen pizza, at least it's "fresh." Right?
7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Papa Murphy's - $5.10 after a $2-off coupon 2804 South College Road, Wilmington, NC
Shitty mall pizza at its most horrendous
I was in the mall the other day, AKA the worst place in the world. I generally abhor malls but the one in Wilmington really takes the shitcake. It's shaped like some derpy octopus. It kind of makes you think you're in a big mall because you have to walk six times more than you ought to in order to traverse the entire blasted thing. With most malls, you just walk in a somewhat linear fashion, and when you get to the end, you've, in the words of Captain Picard, seen it all.
I'd decided to eschew reviewing big chain pizza, but since there is only one Sbarro in town I figured I'd waste some money and review this slice. As a kid I ate Sbarro in Danbury, CT sometimes and I have vaguely fond memories of it. Not because I liked it a lot, though. I think it was because when my parents took me to the mall, I always wanted Sbarro but they would virtually never grant this wish. They would instead throw a stale bagel at my head and tell me to scuba for quarters in the fountain if I wanted fucking mall pizza. They'd also regularly sneak off, leaving me alone, frightened and confused. Allegedly this was to help develop my sense of direction, self-determination, and world view. But I digress.
I took my first bite, looked quizzically around and said, "This tastes of nothing." And although that's really all there is to it, I'll go on in order to fill space. The best thing about the slice was its crust. While not good by any stretch of the imagination, it was fairly inoffensive and almost well seasoned. It's screen-cooked, though. The sauce was pasty and terrible but there wasn't much of it. The cheese really tasted of absolutely nothing. It was the most offensively unremarkable shit in the universe. I gave my girlfriend a bite and she said, "This is even worse than the pizza from Hibachi," which was so true I was forced to edit that review and change their 8 recirc rating to a 7.5, to balance things out in the world.
I can make no comment on anything else Sbarro offers, but their pizza is atrocious. Just go to Chik-fil-A or something.
Childhood memories can get lost.
8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Sbarro - $3.52
3500 Oleander Dr # Fc5, Wilmington, NC 28403
Pizza! At a Chinese buffet! Fuck everything about this! I love it!
Holy shit, a Chinese buffet reviewed on a pizza blog. Fuck you because this is history in the making and you probably don't even realize it. There is no reason for me to review this fucking shit but confronted with pizza at a Chinese buffet I felt a calling not unlike Kevin Costner tripping balls in a cornfield. Avert your gaze, mortals:
Well it was dogshit awful. I guess it's just frozen pizza. I wasted some of my vast, priceless, inordinately sexy stomach space on this trash. And I did it just for you. You don't have to thank me, but you probably should. Tasteless cheese, chewy underdone crust, possibly some sauce in there. I ate this thing so fast I don't even know what else to say about it.
The good news is that the rest of Hibachi Grill's food is really good for the most part. The mac and cheese sucks, though. And the boneless spare ribs suck. Pretty much everything else was awesome, particularly the Hong Kong chicken. And they have bottles of Sriracha for you to guzzle, which is quite satisfactory.
This place is cheap and awesome. The main problem is that they have no booze. Which makes no sense whatsoever. Booze is more profitable than food, and it fills you up to boot. Booze also happens to be the bee's knees.
Come for the pizza, stay for the Americanized Chinese food.
7.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Hibachi Grill & Supreme Buffet - $6.59 + tax
356 S. College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403
Never do this to yourself
My phone died. This is my interpretation of what Costco looks like from the outside. It doesn't really matter. Costco pizza is Costco pizza and if you are a member, you've probably had it and if you are a dumb fat American I guarantee you loved it.
When the first thing you see before ordering a slice of pizza is some girl sticking a meat thermometer in it, you know you're eating at a classy joint. Maybe this is common practice for places that keep hot pizza on hand but fuck all that noise. One time I had this hardon for Thoreau and decided to live on an island. In true Thoreau fashion I brought an 18" cheese pizza with me in the canoe and I ate on that thing for three days. I didn't die. I also shat in holes and acted like a savage. With pizza. Shit was still good. I didn't even have a meat thermometer! Hell, I don't even think meat should be cooked let alone have it's temperature taken. I dream of a world filled with cows and pigs walking around covered in bloody, maggot-infested human chomp wounds.
I've spoken before about having a cheesebaby fucked into me, but Costco takes the cake. Trying to ingest the cheese on this slice was like sticking a whole handful of gum in my mouth, except it didn't taste good and the entire time I was filled with thoughts of having to swallow that shit at some point, i.e. impending doom. Oh yeah and that was every bite. I ate this slice as fast as I could and it still took at least a decade to finish.
Well, you know the pizza was shitty, there was no reason for me to review it, et cetera. But for two bucks it's got some credibility in the fatass department. It takes the fucking cake. Or pie, as it were.
This shit was greasy as all get out yet still mostly flavorless. It was terrible. Crustwise, I think a scholar with an interesting name said it best, so ignore all my shit and click that link. Long and short of it is that Costco's crust is a greasy, disgusting nightmare. When it comes to this slice of pizza that I'm reviewing, it was the worst of every world. And it was a big bastard. In the repurposed words of my favorite comedic genius, it had the weight of a fat baby and a dead dog. I felt like shit for a while afterwards, but for two bucks it could be a cheap way to have dinner. Awful, though.
8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)
5351 Gingerwood Drive, Wilmington, NC 28405
Disappointment never left such a terrible taste in my mouth
As all of you who read this blog with some regularity know, I'm fairly incompetent. One example of said incompetence is that I thought this Incredible location was no longer in existence. I got it in my pea-sized brain that the newish Slice of Life shithole took over their spot. I don't remember why I decided upon this nonsense, but as usual I was entirely wrong; as you can see, this place totally exists.
Which is kind of a shame because the pizza was bad, in the must bummer sorta way possible. It's a real big bastard that doesn't look too bad at first, really:
The only positive thing I can say about this slice is that it's very large. It's not quite as large as those found at the Incredible location off New Centre, but that thing was simply gargantuan. The crust was misshapen and extraordinarily dry. It also had a general burnt taste to it, which struck me as kind of inexplicable since it didn't appear burnt.
There wasn't enough cheese on here, nor was there enough sauce. I think the sauce may have been okay but the cheese was crummy, I think. It was either really bland, or low- fat, or maybe it's just that there was so little of it on the slice. Based on the lack of grease, I'd say they're using some shitty low-fat mozzarella and not much of it.
All I could taste was burnt crap in my mouth, and it was dry as all get out. Real bummer because I went here expecting something good like you can get at their sister pizzeria off New Centre. This right here is definitely some of the shittier NY-style pizza in town, so if that's what you are looking for, stop looking and drive on over.
I hope they were just having an off day.
6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Incredible Gourmet Pizza - $2.70
1414 S College Rd # 105 Wilmington, NC 28403
Thanks for shitting on my childhood, jerkbags
I had no plans to review this place. I've been here once before almost a decade ago and even though I was probably stoned to oblivion I still knew I was eating garbage. But it seems a certain, small, deviant minority of Wilmington gets a kick out of these reviews and since I can still afford the gut rot whiskey it takes to write them, I figured I owed it to my readers to shit down Gumby's throat. Hell, they're more of a pizzeria than some of the places I've reviewed. I think.
Well I got there at almost 6 p.m. expecting to pick up a pie and wonder of wonders, the fucking oven has been fucking off and my pizza has just been sitting in a cold oven. I mean if you open at 6 p.m. maybe that's almost excusable but they allegedly open at 4 p.m. Luckily I didn't care that much since it afforded me the opportunity to walk over and buy some Big Flats 1901, which I had been meaning to try. But it was still a telling sign, you know?
This is the smallest amount of pizza from Gumby's that I could get (as far as I could tell) and if you've read my terrible reviews you know that I'm always in favor of slices - the cheaper the better. Well shit I'm about to go off-topic again out of nowhere:
I don't understand the interior of this place. They've got a door for an employee's restroom (red/brown one on the left in the uppermost picture) and a mystery door in the back, and a sign on the front door that says "no public restrooms." I usually take that to mean no hobos are allowed to shit here, but I'm not convinced in this case. Are customers even allowed to eat in here? What are all those chairs for, people waiting? I don't know man this place is weird but if they allow people to sit down and eat they should sell slices. I think it would be in their best interest. They should also allow people to shit.
Fuck that misplaced and terrible aside I'm now going to talk about the pizza. Shit tasted like Domino's. Or maybe an amalgam of Pizza Hut and Domino's. Regardless, just skip this fucking place and eat at one of the national chains if you're craving crummy, crappy, generic pizza. Go to Gumby's and get a small 1-topping special for $5 or go to Domino's and get a large 2-topping special for $6. Same shit, different size and price. Totally your call.
As crummy as I found this pizza, I seem to find it difficult to rate. Part of me wants to shit on it for being a replica of chain garbage. Then again well-made chain garbage is better than poorly-made faux-NY style pizza. And for chain garbage it was done fairly well despite the oven kinks, which I felt compelled to mention but can't take much off for. It's in fact going to rank a tad worse than the nearby and new Wilmington's House of Pizza, only because they were both going for the same style pizza and Gumby's came up a bit short by comparison. As an aside, the style of pizza I just referred to is called "American." Said nomenclature makes me want to rig up a tube and vomit into my own ass.
I'd like to go on record as saying that I love Gumby. The character. That fly green mofo with the horse. Baddest dude made out of clay ever, as far as I know.
I think I ate most of it anyway, in a period of overwhelming self-loathing.
6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)Gumby's Pizza - $5.39
1414 S College Rd # 105 Wilmington, NC 28403