Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

4Jun/112

Costco

Posted by pete


Never do this to yourself


My phone died. This is my interpretation of what Costco looks like from the outside. It doesn't really matter. Costco pizza is Costco pizza and if you are a member, you've probably had it and if you are a dumb fat American I guarantee you loved it.

When the first thing you see before ordering a slice of pizza is some girl sticking a meat thermometer in it, you know you're eating at a classy joint. Maybe this is common practice for places that keep hot pizza on hand but fuck all that noise.  One time I had this hardon for Thoreau and decided to live on an island. In true Thoreau fashion I brought an 18" cheese pizza with me in the canoe and I ate on that thing for three days. I didn't die. I also shat in holes and acted like a savage. With pizza. Shit was still good. I didn't even have a meat thermometer! Hell, I don't even think meat should be cooked let alone have it's temperature taken. I dream of a world filled with cows and pigs walking around covered in bloody, maggot-infested human chomp wounds.

I've spoken before about having a cheesebaby  fucked into me, but Costco takes the cake. Trying to ingest the cheese on this slice was like sticking a whole handful of gum in my mouth, except it didn't taste good and the entire time I was filled with thoughts of having to swallow that shit at some point, i.e. impending doom. Oh yeah and that was every bite. I ate this slice as fast as I could and it still took at least a decade to finish.

Well, you know the pizza was shitty, there was no reason for me to review it, et cetera. But for two bucks it's got some credibility in the fatass department. It takes the fucking cake. Or pie, as it were.

This shit was greasy as all get out yet still mostly flavorless. It was terrible. Crustwise, I think a scholar with an interesting name said it best, so ignore all my shit and click that link. Long and short of it is that Costco's crust is a greasy, disgusting nightmare. When it comes to this slice of pizza that I'm reviewing, it was the worst of every world. And it was a big bastard. In the repurposed words of my favorite comedic genius, it had the weight of a fat baby and a dead dog. I felt like shit for a while afterwards, but for two bucks it could be a cheap way to have dinner. Awful, though.

Infinite bad.

8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

CASCO THE INFINITE OBLIVION DESTROYER OF GUTS - $2.15
5351 Gingerwood Drive,  Wilmington, NC 28405

Costco Food Court on Urbanspoon