Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

4Jun/112

Costco

Posted by pete


Never do this to yourself


My phone died. This is my interpretation of what Costco looks like from the outside. It doesn't really matter. Costco pizza is Costco pizza and if you are a member, you've probably had it and if you are a dumb fat American I guarantee you loved it.

When the first thing you see before ordering a slice of pizza is some girl sticking a meat thermometer in it, you know you're eating at a classy joint. Maybe this is common practice for places that keep hot pizza on hand but fuck all that noise.  One time I had this hardon for Thoreau and decided to live on an island. In true Thoreau fashion I brought an 18" cheese pizza with me in the canoe and I ate on that thing for three days. I didn't die. I also shat in holes and acted like a savage. With pizza. Shit was still good. I didn't even have a meat thermometer! Hell, I don't even think meat should be cooked let alone have it's temperature taken. I dream of a world filled with cows and pigs walking around covered in bloody, maggot-infested human chomp wounds.

I've spoken before about having a cheesebaby  fucked into me, but Costco takes the cake. Trying to ingest the cheese on this slice was like sticking a whole handful of gum in my mouth, except it didn't taste good and the entire time I was filled with thoughts of having to swallow that shit at some point, i.e. impending doom. Oh yeah and that was every bite. I ate this slice as fast as I could and it still took at least a decade to finish.

Well, you know the pizza was shitty, there was no reason for me to review it, et cetera. But for two bucks it's got some credibility in the fatass department. It takes the fucking cake. Or pie, as it were.

This shit was greasy as all get out yet still mostly flavorless. It was terrible. Crustwise, I think a scholar with an interesting name said it best, so ignore all my shit and click that link. Long and short of it is that Costco's crust is a greasy, disgusting nightmare. When it comes to this slice of pizza that I'm reviewing, it was the worst of every world. And it was a big bastard. In the repurposed words of my favorite comedic genius, it had the weight of a fat baby and a dead dog. I felt like shit for a while afterwards, but for two bucks it could be a cheap way to have dinner. Awful, though.

Infinite bad.

8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

CASCO THE INFINITE OBLIVION DESTROYER OF GUTS - $2.15
5351 Gingerwood Drive,  Wilmington, NC 28405

Costco Food Court on Urbanspoon

28Feb/110

Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs

Posted by pete

The middle of the road never looked so good

Right up there is a photo of a stupid damn Volkswagen who trolled the hell out of me and my camera. Well played, sir. Also of note is the pictured deal of a $4.99 all-you-can-eat pizza and pasta lunch special. This place is a shitty fuckface fatso's heaven. Except, I don't really ever remember seeing a bunch of fatsos in here for lunch, just college stoners. I think southern fatsos stick with Golden Corral for $12, or whatever that disgusting bullshit rapes people for every day. Anyway, five bucks for all you can eat pizza and pasta is such a fucking deal and a half, it doesn't even make sense to me and I am a SCIENTIST. Near here there is a CiCi's (warning when you go to this site, a jolly black-sounding guy welcomes you to their shitty site - scratch that, it randomizes different voices of people who welcome you. Fuck the dev that set this up.)  which post-dates Michaelangelos by at least a fair margin, and it has a similar deal. I'm never reviewing their shit. They can fuck off inside of a fiery dickfurnace.

As I mentioned in a previous review, I've eaten at this Mike's location a number of times while going to college and doing whatever else I was doing between the ages of 17 and 22 that I can barely remember. Back then, the slice wasn't anything to write home about but it was okay and it was a fair deal, and as far as pizza goes there wasn't much else in the immediate area of campus. When I went to do this review, I was figuring to get a bogus shitbird slice, based on the aforementioned review of the same local chain's location some miles south of here.

Here is the slice I received:

It actually looks a lot like the Monkey Junction slice, except it looks more 'well done,' which is a term that happens to be an example of why the English language is so stupid. I'm not going to look up the history of this term in the Oxford, so don't hold your breath. The strange thing is that this slice beats the slice from Monkey Junction, hands down, even though MJ's slice arguably looks better. As opposed to the MJ's slice, this one tasted pretty good. Above average, in any case, based on Wilmington standards.

The dough recipe seems to be largely the same, except this one didn't have any hint of a foul taste. It had the hint of a flavor, but I think it may have been an hallucinatory aftershock from years past. Overall, the crust was just average. It had the poor, soft texture of an all-purpose flour dough formula. But what are you gonna do, cry about it? That's what I'm for. I cry for the shit you don't even think about. I'm motherfucking pizza Jesus, you assholes.  As a side note, some years ago I officially confirmed their use of all-purpose flour. With them. Big time. It's kind of shameful, really! Oh well. At the end of the day, their crust simply serves as a vessel to relay cheese and sauce into many fat fuckers' faces. And for most people, that's just fucking great. And most people throw the rim of their crust away accordingly. This is, after all, America: the land where the best fork is a disposable fork made of crappy dough that you could eat if you wanted to, should you be feeling particularly obese at the moment.

The sauce was okay. At times there was too much, but not to a super-disagreeable degree. The cheese was probably above average. It was far above the Monkey Junction location. I won't bother trying to explain this because I don't fucking know why. Maybe I sucked too many shit-covered dicks the previous night and my palate had become diminished, who is to say? Overall, this was a fairly reasonable slice. It was a bit bigger than the other location and it was better in literally every way. A foul could be called on me should their ingredients and recipes be identical, which may well be the case. It wouldn't really matter, though, should it be found that Emmanuel pisses on every ingredient at the other location. I'm not saying he does. But think of it, that would be a story right there.

Ah, memories.

4 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Michaelangelos Pizza & Subs - $2.54
228 Eastwood Road Unit 4-A, Wilmington, NC 28403

Michaelangelo's Pizza & Subs on Urbanspoon

22Feb/115

Incredible Pizza

Posted by pete

A big fucking slice of pizza

I've been to this Incredible Pizza location approximately once before, a number of years ago. This may speaks volumes as I now mention that I successfully went to university like a half mile from this place for an unspecified number of years, and lived probably a tenth of a mile from here for a while, too. When I was living nearby, I was consuming virtually nothing but ramen, pasta, marijuana and hallucinogens, though. Pizza was kind of out of my income bracket, so perhaps it speaks no kind of volume whatsoever. Now that I make decent money for literally or figuratively jerking off, as the case may or may not be, I am free to trek across town to places like this and leave the ramen for my roommate to steal, in a drunken or non-drunken stupor, as the case may or may not be.

The picture above is somewhat of a curiosity in that it does not include a picture of the company's awning, or sign, or whatever. They had one, but it was not lit up and it was dark out. I don't know what the deal was and I'm pretty sure I don't give a shit. I went here not expecting much. Incredible Pizza establishments seem to come and go around here. I don't know if what I just said is a factual statement, but it's the impression I get and that is paramount. My impression also being that it's one of those places like Mellow Mushroom that really seems to depend more upon their toppings than anything else. My reviews tending to be of a plain slice by default, I had my reservations.

Probably before I say anything else it would be best to post a picture of the slice:

This slice is so big they give it to you on two plates. I'm very much okay with this shit right here. Also, I'm also pretty god damn sure this is not how this place used to be. This was reinforced by the fact that the only other dude eating pizza in the place made the exact same observation. This is a huge god damn slice! But, attempting to not be distracted by the enormity of this bastard, I had some very immediate concerns that were soon realized in actuality. Firstly: half this slice is barely thicker than the plates it rests on. I appreciate a thin crust. It is the literal backbone of NY-style pizza. But give me a fucking break, there are limits. This pizza is fairly well beyond those limits. Here's a (fucking terrible) picture I took of the slice's inability to hold up to a simple fold:

The horizontal bit on the right is the angle that the entire slice should have held. The picture is shitty; far shittier than the slice, in fact. Another issue with this slice was that there was a gaping area which was wholly without cheese and almost entirely (I think) without sauce. Here's a fucking close-up:

Pretty unacceptable. If you see the guys at I <3 NY make a pie, they take their god damn time and everything is fucking perfect. That's probably the difference between having people who seem to have a stake in the place making the pizza, and letting college kids make your pies. Shit. That was definitely my Dad's northeast union voice coming out. In any case, that is probably the last bad thing I can say about my slice. And, to be honest, the mistopping of my slice wasn't much of a detraction.

The crust tasted good. More and more, that seems like a rarity around here. As I said before, the slice was also a fucking monster. Their menu indicates the biggest pie they offer is an 18". This shit was cut from a 20"+ pie or my name isn't Shitdick McFuckyoureaders. The cheese was either pretty or very good. The sauce was okay. I don't think there was very much on here, but it didn't negatively affect the slice so it was okay by me. After eating a fair portion of the front of the slice it became holdable via my normal fold method, which was a relief. The slice was quite pricey at $2.70 after tax, but based on the size (and to a degree the overall quality) I'm not sure how terrible this price is, really.

Overall, this slice had it's faults. The last thing I wrote in my notes is that I wanted another, and that really has to count for something. Instead I went to Goodfella's on South College to round out my trip and now I am all ate up with the dumbass as a result because that shit was mostly garbage (stay tuned). I can virtually not factor in the seemingly obscene price due to the bigness of the slice. However, I have to factor in the terrible thinness of the crust, as well as the shoddy workmanship on the topping of the cheese. The question is: how much to subtract? When it comes down to it, I'm forced to give preference to the slice that is best overall, as well as the slice that tastes the best, and the slice that doesn't try to fuck my face with a metric shit ton of shitty cheese because it apparently assumes I'm a morbidly obese American uber-consumer (which I am).

In conclusion, this was a surprisingly good slice. If it were thick enough to hold up to, well, being picked up, and if it were properly topped, it would probably come close to matching Brooklyn and I <3 NY. Being that it is more or less right in between both of those front runners (geographically), it is likely the best pizzeria in the college/midtown area of town. Especially if the Racine/Eastwood Michaelangelo's is now as bad as the one on South College.

Haters gonna hate. BTW they serve beer.

3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Incredible Pizza - $2.70
4719 New Centre Drive, Ste F, Wilmington, NC 28405

Incredible Pizza on Urbanspoon