Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Uncle Vinny’s Pizzeria Ristorante

Posted by pete

Carolina Beach triumphs again

Uncle Vinny's is a rather new restaurant. I was going to come here sooner but I had to battle various bottles of booze and then unexpectedly fly to New York. At long last I decided to drive down here today after a dumb old round of golf. Whenever I go to Carolina Beach, which is almost never, I'm always struck by how much I enjoy the drive. It's nice, and Carolina Beach is both quaint and redneck in the most perversely endearing sort of way.

The drive back was another story entirely. It was a fucking nightmare. I was almost late getting to the liquor store before it closed. And I had to get pineapple vodka. Yeah, that's right. Pineapple vodka.

I'd heard a lot of hype about this place and as it turns out the hype was fairly well deserved.

I don't think this place serves slices, which is kind of a bummer. However, I doubt they really give two shits what I think is a bummer, because they appear to be extraordinarily busy and probably don't want to deal with hobos wanting mere slices. And rightly so, perhaps. I haven't had any of their other food, but their pizza is pretty good and the interior is pretty cool. And the bartender is about 8 feet tall.

All around it was pretty fucking good. The  cheese was good. Though some might say there's not enough, I don't really give a shit; I'm not a fan of a ton of cheese on pizza. The sauce was also quite good, I think it was basically just crushed tomatoes which is all you fucking need. Baffles me why people complicate this part of pizza making. The crust was also good, but it is also the source of my main complaint. A really good NY style pizza crust should have a decent crunch to it. It's sort of a minor quibble, maybe. I think if you request the pizza well-done, this issue might be mostly corrected.

I also liked that they put oregano on the pie before baking it, but their, uh, oregano density map was not ideal. It's no wonder though because they were busy as fuck when I ordered this pizza.

Overall Vinny's has some pretty damn good pizza. It's starting to piss me off that Carolina Beach's pizza is on average far better than Wilmington's. I really need to finish this blog before any more motherfucking pizza shops open up.

They do have a stupid slogan tho.

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Uncle Vinny's Pizzeria Ristorante - $13 approx.
1012 S. Lake Park Blvd., Carolina Beach, NC 28428

Uncle Vinny's Pizzeria Ristorante on Urbanspoon


Britt’s Donut Shop

Posted by pete

Pizza can fuck off

This place is located directly across from Frank's Pizza. Why am I reviewing Britt's? Because I can, and because fuck you, and because this bottle of Kentucky Supreme hasn't been drinking itself, that's why. Britt's is a magical experience. Eating a donut here is like sucking off a unicorn who ejaculates a molten sugar cloud of deliciousness directly into your soul.

This was, absurdly, my first Britt's donut of my entire, terrible life. I guess that's kind of fucked up since people drive hours to come eat this shit and I've lived vaguely close by for a while.

I don't know shit about donuts besides that they're fucking great. We used to go to some farm that made freshly-made donuts somewhere in Westchester, NY when I was a kid, but I don't think they had any of this glazed shit like Britt's has. If such an unholy beast existed nearby when I was a kid, I'd probably still be on the prolonged sugar high. I think my favorite donut there was a cinnamon sugar donut. Even with the rose-colored glasses of youth I can say that Britt's beats the shit out of whatever the fuck I was just talking about.

Zero recircs, this place is infinite. Buy a dozen donuts here, bring them into Frank's and eat them while humping all of the humpable things you can find in there.

Britts Donut Shop on Urbanspoon


Frank’s Pizza

Posted by pete

Now this is the Carolina Beach I was expecting

I like Carolina Beach. There, I said it. And I wanted to like Frank's Pizza. In fact, I was expecting to like this place. I was expecting this to be the grand wizard of Carolina Beach's pitiful pizza scene. Sadly, that is just not how the pizza crumbled. The pizza did crumble, though. Hold on. Imma let you finish, but this was one of the strangest pizzas of all time!

Check this wacky motherfucker out:

What a weird fucking slice! Looks like the fatsos nearby on the beach with fat rolls for days. This is like the least appetizing looking slice of pizza I've ever bought. In terms of sheer, abjectly absurd ugliness it even trumps that fucking stupid slice I got from Slice of Life (though not by much).

Of note is that all that oregano on there was put on by them. And I think that is the fucking bees knees. Not many places around here do this and it's a shame because it's a quick and easy and, most importantly, legitimate way to add flavor to your otherwise mediocre pizza.

A picture really does tell a thousand words in this case. Obviously the crust is garbage. It was formed by a real jerk of a human, clearly. Additionally, it's too thin. And it has approximately zero salt in it. Also there may be no yeast. Like at all. It was so dry the rim crumbled when I fucking glanced at it. It's like some asshole stole some unleavened, tasteless dough from a miscellaneous Jew and pretended it was pizza dough for his own malevolent purposes. There was nothing good about this slice's crust. Here's another picture:

Here's the bottom of the crust. It looks burnt but it's not quite to that point. This is some pretty good browning here, in my opinion. But then look at the top of the pizza and it looks undercooked. It's a shame. But, the strangest motherfucking thing of all is that even though the bottom of this crust was nearly burnt, it was paradoxically the softest crust I've ever experienced. I cannot explain this. I will not even try. It was off-putting and sort of horrible.

The good news is that the rest of this slice was good. The cheese was pretty damn good, and the oregano was awesome, I loved it. The sauce was also pretty damn good. On the whole, I'll even say that the slice tasted pretty good, because of the spice, the sauce and the cheese. The crust, though, had zero flavor, zero moisture, a pitiful, unleavened crumb and it just made me want to recirc into infinity.

As I was leaving, one of the pizza makers dropped an entire pie onto the floor, as he was taking it out of the oven. Maybe he did the same with this plain pie, and maybe that would explain the shortcomings of the product which I received. Maybe this is just how they make pizzas here: 1. Make pie; 2. Throw it on the floor; 3. Sell that shit.

Points taken off for a terrible crust and what can only be described as a complete lack of pride in the product they peddle.

Dough is paramount.

5 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Frank's Pizza - $2.43
8 N Carolina Beach Ave,  Carolina Beach, NC 28428

Frank's Pizza on Urbanspoon


Michaelangelos Pizza

Posted by pete

The best Michaelangelos location is in Carolina Beach. There is no God

Never been here before. Like the other Michaelangelos locations northwards, this location has the same sign, similar decor, same wall ornaments and dispensers, menu, specials, the works. Except I don't think they have the all-you-can-eat lunch special that the one by UNCW offers. However, that special is aneurysm-inducing. It makes no sense to me. It's as if fat kids reinvented Christmas and decided to have it make even less sense than a magical obese furry scooting down billions of chimneys, giving out sack-presents and stealing baked goods. Oh, and Fatty Christmas happens every day.

I wasn't really expecting much when I arrived here. In fact, I had so written off Carolina Beach that I had previously, for the purposes of this blog, decided to ignore the entire area and pretend that pizza didn't exist here. In my defense, Carolina Beach isn't really Wilmington. It will be soon enough though, when the Wilmington Borg feasts upon it and adds it to its fatty outer layers, but that's a tale for a different and terrible day.

Out of fucking nowhere, the weather gods shined upon our section of the world, and I felt like going for a drive. Driving through the hellish innards of Wilmington is akin to Sisyphus' eternal struggle, so I went for a leisurely drive southwards. Spring lasts for exactly 4 days in Wilmington before the terrible, searing, awful heat of summer hits. If there is a perfect time to just leisurely cruise around, this is it.

Upon first glance, I felt like I was looking at your standard Michaelangelos slice. That is to say, a rather basic pizza, vaguely soulless, yet structurally very well-crafted, made from substandard ingredients and recipes:

Fat shitbird that I am, I took a bite before remembering to snap a photo. The slice looks alright for the most part. The rim looks a bit under and floury, and there are a few weirdo craters. Sort of like a zitty pubescent female with an undeveloped understanding of makeup, maybe. I don't know. As shown in this photo, I've added some oregano and crushed red pepper, as is my habit whenever they are made readily available.

The star of the show here is the sauce. This slice has some pretty god damn good sauce. The vaguely-nearby Monkey Junction Michaelangelos may use the same sauce recipe, but their slice was overpowered by a ton of shitty cheese when I went there, so I cannot say for sure. The Carolina Beach sauce was definitely a lot better than the the sauce at the  Michaelangelos by UNCW. I also felt that the CB cheese was far above the Monkey Junction location and at least on par with UNCW's. Even Carolina Beach Michaelangelos' crust was better than their brethren (though even here it was clearly the key area which demanded improvement). In every respect this slice at the very least equals the other Michaelangelos locations.

All in all it was a pretty damn good slice of pizza by Wilmington standards, and goddamnit we're talking about Carolina Beach here, which, at the time of day I went, had no other pizza slices for sale fucking anywhere: At the time, this was the only game in town if you wanted a slice of pizza. It's not an outstanding deal at $2.54, but its not shockingly bad either (especially because it's pretty large), plus if you are feeling quite fat, they offer a $4.99+tax small cheese pizza lunch special, or some bullshit. I personally hate the idea of a NY-style joint serving pizzas smaller than 18", but I think even Brooklyn does that now. This is the primary reason that I bemoan our floundering, decrepit economy - even my ever-expanding list of broken bones and other unattended medical issues take second place to the horror of decent pizzerias stooping to such unholy lows as offering personal-size pizzas. It's disgraceful!

The main downside is that the crust, though fairly decent, could be better. I'll just take a moment to bust out my pizza nerd cred and tell these guys to use high gluten flour, for the Pete's sake.

I'm kind of flummoxed and disappointed; I feel like I'm letting my 3 readers down by not blasting this bitch to space like the Russian chimpanzee we all wish it was. Hopefully I'll review some more shitty, gross, mind-fuckingly bad pizza soon, but this shit right here was a pretty good slice!

I woulda eaten another, gladly. In fact, I considered just that.

2 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Michaelangelos Pizza - $2.54
9 South Lake Park Boulevard,  Carolina Beach, NC 28428

Michaelangelos New York Style on Urbanspoon