Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

5Apr/120

Pizzetta’s Pizzeria Round Deux

Posted by pete

I liked the pizza this time so you can get off my back and jump up my butt

I got a lot of flak for giving Pizzetta's a mediocre review last time. Some time ago I journeyed back there again (with my mommy this time) and had some pasta dish that was really good. Considering the conflicting opinions of others regarding their pizza and my conflicting opinion of their other food, I decided to revisit Pizzettas. But I'm a lazy man, as you have surely come to realize.

The other day, I went to check out whether or not Sbarro had indeed closed down and turned into a place called SCOTTO PIZZA (no joke). It had not but this change is apparently forthcoming. Luckily they can not possibly do worse than the shit Sbarro was peddling last time I was feeling masochistic. So then I had to figure what to eat for lunch (no, fuck mallcourt food). Though Flaming Amy's was the obvious choice, I remembered my responsibility to my loyal readership (only briefly, mind you), and headed to Pizzetta's to get their $5.50+tax 2-slice-and-drink lunch special.

This time I decided to hedge my bets and get a regular slice and a Nonna's slice. Below is the regular slice:

This already looks a lot more promising than the vaguely-passable stuff I was served before - and it was. My only slight complaint would be that it was too sweet - the sauce mostly. Which is weird because last time I loved the sauce. Maybe the tomatoes were a bit sweeter than before, or they used too much sugar? I don't know. The sauce was still good. And I thought the cheese was better than before. At the very least it wasn't applied to the slice by a maniacal dump truck. The ratios were all quite right. The dough consistency was fairly good, but I kind of thought it also had a strange bit of sweetness.

The Nonna's slice was great:

I wasn't even planning on reviewing this because it looked weird. Then I had a few bites (in the span of approximately one second) and changed my mind. I then snapped that shitty picture you see above. I don't know if this goes for all Nonna's slices, but this thing was pretty big. And it was awesome. It had the same problem of the sauce being too sweet but fuck it, this shit was good. Did it look weird? Yes. Do you look weird? Probably. Live and let die. I killed this pizza.

I would offer a mea culpa for my previous review, but that would be ignoble. The other slice I had wasn't very good. It wasn't very bad, either. It had serious issues, though. Sometimes restaurants have off days - and therein lies the problem with most restaurant reviews. While I'm sure a lot of professionals will make multiple visits to a single establishment to ensure their opinion is scientifically sugarplums and rainbows, I don't have time for that bullshit. If I ate at every one of these places three times I would probably be fat enough to be on Medicaid. And then I wouldn't have mounting medical debt. Hey... hmmmm.

As an aside, sorry for the lack of updates recently. That's all you get. No excuses. Also, if anyone emailed me in the past two weeks, or sent messages via the Feedback thing, I probably didn't get it. I forgot to switch the mail stuff over to the new host because I'm a genius.

Hypnotoad!!

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Pizzetta's Pizzeria - $2.43
4107 Oleander Drive, Wilmington, NC 28403

Pizzetta's Pizzeria on Urbanspoon

11Mar/121

KickBack Jack’s

Posted by pete

Kick back your fucking pizza to the moon

I love KickBack Jack's. I didn't think I would because I hate every place that resembles this place, particularly Carolina Ale House. That statement will assuredly piss off my buddy over at LiquorLunch, who loves that crummy place and who also loved KickBack Jack's when we went there today.

But I hate the fucking pizza. Fuck these guys. Don't you dare publicly exclaim that you have the best pizza in town. They seriously write that on the menu! A chain restaurant in multiple cities! Fucking jerks. Honestly I took it as more of a warning than anything else. If you have the best pizza in town you just shut the fuck up and reap the rewards. I'm thinking of I <3 NY and Brooklyn right now, not fucking SLICE OF TERRIBLE PIZZA-INFUSED LIFE. OH WE WON ENCORE BECAUSE WE PAY PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR US AND WE ARE FUCKING GFUCPKOIJHKJHKJHIKUHIUH FDSOUHFDSUH. Okay. Fuck. Well I hate those guys.

They shouldn't even serve this shit to people. Serve it to my dead dog - I think he's buried in my back yard in New York. I bet John Walsh didn't know that, when he bought my crappy old house. Heh! Actually there were probably a lot of pets buried back there. Not because we were killing them off intentionally or anything, mind you. Pets die, you fucking twat. Well actually one time after I was catching frogs in some sewage runoff I brought back my latest amphibian trophy to show off to my brother and his friends. They really wanted it and I couldn't get away so I just threw it as high as my 7-year-old arms could manage. I was seven. Fuck you, I don't feel good about it either. Pavement.

The pizza. Fucking hell. The crust was not offensive. Not entirely offensive, at least. Well-browned, minimal oven spring, not terribly under-seasoned and it held its form. But we can say that about most chains, right? So consider the crust average at best. The sauce was far over-spiced, too-thick, but still not the worst of the lot. The stupid cheese was fucked. I'll steal a thought from LiquorLunch and say that Byron probably put the cheese on here, to make room for his crack rocks in the cheese containment unit. I can see it now. I'd call him a poor bastard but I know he's better off than me. I love Byron. That one time on Front Street when I offered you a slice of pizza in lieu of money and you rejected my offer, demanding a million dollars instead - comedy gold, sir!

The pizza I was served also looked dumb as all get-out. Part of that is my fault. I ordered half a pizza and a salad (it was a deal or something, fuck you). I expected a normal cheese pie cut in half but what I got was some fucking mongoloid monstrosity where somebody tried to form half a dough ball (or something) into a half-pie. On the one hand, fuck this approach. Just give me a smaller pizza, you shitbirds. On the other, equally negative hand, if they did rip a normal dough ball in half and then form it into this and cook it, it might explain why there was not much rise in the crust.

Oh man this picture is big. It's the Caesar salad I got. It was really good! Everything else I had was really good. Their house beer is two bucks on Sundays (edit: this might be an every day special). It was good! I thought I recognized it but I was too busy  getting drunk to be entirely sure. It is good though. It's the sort of beer an idiot domestic drinker could love and a shitty beer snob could tolerate. I had two because Sunday is God's day and I worship the destruction of my liver.

Hey by the way, give me money:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ilmza/ilmzacom-in-ebook-form. For people that donate, I'm posting a short video I made before writing this review. Damn ain't you lucky. I might post this later for everyone to enjoy, so they can hear my luxurious voice, but it will be a while! You can't wait that long, I'm sure, so just get on with it.

Oh, I forgot to mention this important point. While waiting for my food, a baby threw a steak knife at me. I'm going to repeat that because chances are I'll never have the opportunity to truthfully write those words again (I hope): A baby threw a steak knife at me. First the little bastard threw a bottle or something innocuous, I guess as kind of a warning shot across the bow. Then the little motherfucker turned around and grinned at me and being the incompetent oaf that I am,  I smiled and waved at him. He was kind of cute in a murdery sort of way. I guess the little guy didn't appreciate the wave; luckily for me, he throws like a girl.

I'm sexy and I know it


6 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

6.99 + taxicles (half-pizza and salad)
418 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

KickBack Jack"s on Urbanspoon

1Mar/120

Preemptively posting possibilities

Posted by pete

Long story short, my hosting ends in a month and my host is not cheap. I have a few other sites on here but nothing much of merit and, more importantly, nothing I wish to spend money on. As goddamn worthless as this blog is, in my own mind, it's surely the best of my hosted creations. Beyond that, I have a lot of support from many vocal, local individuals who seem to appreciate this garbage.

At the time, 23 months ago, I spent ~$180 for two years of hosting, discounted from ~$240. It's a great host (DreamHost), granting me unlimited domains, storage, bandwidth, et cetera. I never exactly made the most of my hosting package but was pleased with the service I received in any case. Now I'm faced with spending about ~$120 for a year at this host or ~$100 for two years at another. I'll probably jump ship, I guess.

A more likely scenario is that I'll just let this die. I have a sick kind of love for this blog of mine - a sort of perverted love that I've found some of you seem to share - but I'd rather buy a really sick bottle of old bourbon than some hosting. Or like 4 gallons of gutrot whiskey.

Early on I had a donations page which I promptly took down. I took it down because I never wanted shit from you fuckers. I wrote this crummy stuff for myself more than you. To say the least. However, having had such a large amount of positive (and negative) feedback, I feel compelled to see if you folks care enough to put up, or if you'd rather I shut up. So I had an idea:  Kickstarter.

My vulgar tripe would make a half-way decent book. It would, ideally, be a physical book; a coffee table book. A shitter book. But even as an e-book it might have some merit. So, if I get to my $100 Kickstarter goal, not only will I host the site for two more years (and continue posting on occasion), I'll shoot out a well-made e-book to the folks giving donations. Some time later on I'll probably release the thing for free publicly, I guess. Should I not have said that? You should donate regardless. Because you're awesome.

Oh, hey, I ate an I <3 NY slice recently. It looked great but the structure was fucking terrible. It tore right in half as soon as I picked it up. I was bummed out. Especially because the old man was in there working and shit's usually spot-on when he's doing his thing. But then I went and got drunk at Firebelly and didn't give a shit. It was a NY Special slice, which I'm usually a big fan of:

If I get a whole bunch of money I'll release the book in a physical format, too, which I personally think this project is more suited for anyhow. Wouldn't you like to see this terrible absurdity sitting next to some shitty beach photography book in the local book store? I also have some small amount of 100-level university design experience in such infuriating products as Adobe InDesign, so man will this be a classy job!

As an aside, has anyone been inside Barnes and Noble recently? A quarter of the place is dedicated to the Nook. Another quarter is kids books, toys and board games. Another quarter is Starbucks. The remaining quarter is real books. At best. I'm vomiting right now, by the way.

Anyhow. I was hoping to have started this Kickstarter project tonight. Alas, I'm having some issues editing the rewards which I'm trying to offer (I'm trying to delete a reward where I split a pizza with you in person; no offense but I'm well aware that a lot of local proprietors/managers hate my guts and would pay money to get the chance to IRL stab me).

At present the reward structure is as follows:

  • $5 - You get an e-book!
  • $10 - You get an e-book and a personalized doodle or poem or something from me. Digitally most likely but if you want me to send it to an address that's okay you freak.
  • $25 - The above plus a personalized dedication page forever (or as long I'm hosted, whichever comes first) on my crummy website.
  • $250 - All the above plus I'll make a physical book and you'll get 1 or 3 or whatever of the first copies, signed by me. I don't expect anyone to do this.

Any thoughts on these rewards would be appreciated. Changes? Additions? Subtractions? I don't really know what I'm doing.

23Feb/122

Brixx Wood Fired Pizza

Posted by pete

What the fuck did I really just enjoy Brixx

I went to Brixx with my liquorlunch cohort the other day, mostly because I'm a fucking pizza weirdo who is trying to eat at every joint in town, but also because on Mondays all their draft pints are $2.50. And they have some pretty good beer! Of the four pints I had, the last three were Victory Hop Wallop. Now that's a fucking beer. This beer is so damn delicious that when I came back to Brixx because I forgot to take an exterior picture for this blog entry, the only thing I accomplished was drinking two more Hop Wallops. I guess I'll just have to go back next Monday and drink more beer and again forget to take an exterior picture.

So, obviously I love their beer selection and their Monday beer special. I already kind of knew I would before coming here, because I just love beer. Like a lot. I was not expecting to love or even like the pizza. Their menu does not seem to include a basic cheese pizza, which I think is weird. They offer some sort of excuse for a margherita pizza, but it looked really stupid. No place in town even seems to know what a fucking margherita pizza is (see Kornerstone, Osteria Cicchetti). Here's what the Brixx margherita looks like according to their website:

That's just stupid. Fuck it, that's not the point anyway. I figured I'd get around the lack of a real cheese pizza by ordering a Wood-roasted vegetable pizza with the toppings removed on one half of the pie. Half cheese, half veg. I did this because the vegetable pizza is cheap (comparatively, at $9). Apparently only putting toppings on half the pizza is quite a bit of extra work because I was charged $11 for a "half and half" pizza. That's pretty fucky in my book. Maybe the menu warns you of this but I was too beerblasted to notice or care. I wonder if I can just get a cheese pizza next time. It would probably cost me an arm and a leg.

The $11 pizza:

As soon as I came out I thought, "shit this looks good." Yeah, the toppings look alright I guess, but the cheese side was what caused my instantaneous salivation. I could tell the cheese was going to be phenomenal upon first glance, and the pie didn't look oversauced. The crust, which I had previously assumed would be horseshit, looked alright. I could tell that me and my compatriot were going to be fighting over the cheese half (we only ordered one pie; we came here for the beer, you morans).

The cheese slices were so damn good I busted out a fucking knife and cut one of the slices in half so we each ended up having 1.5 slices of that shit. The veg side was good, no complaints at all, but the cheese side was glorious. Mostly this had to do with the actual cheese used, which is apparently Grande mozzarella. All pizzerias should use this product. I want make a little hat out of it and wear it around and eat little bits off of it all day long. I want to have my girlfriend chew up a bunch of it and feed it to me like I'm a baby bird.

I'm sorry. I got carried away. Deep breath. Okay.  The rest of this pizza was alright. The sauce was good. It was sort of mild, a bit tangy or some shit. It was definitely not pasty or overspiced, which makes it probably one of the best sauces in this shitty town, pizza-wise. The crust was okay. I have to take points off for their overuse of flour or something on the bottom of the pie, but it was not that big of a detraction, really. I think that damn ubercheese might still be clouding my already questionable judgement.

I wanted to loathe this place as much as you wanted me to write one of my typical hate-fueled blog entries. So again I must apologize. I must also apologize to my father who has spoken many-a-time of his love for Brixx pizza. I told him he was a doddering old fool because there was no way in hell that this place was anything but utter goddamn shit. As it turns out, I like Brixx. Is it some weird chain's version of an amalgam of Neapolitan and New York-style pizza? Yes. Is it flawed? Yes. Is it good? Yes it is, motherfucker, did you even read this review?

I got paid over 9000 beers for this review.


3 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

9-11 ducks
6801 Main Street, Wilmington, NC 28405

Brixx Wood Fired Pizza on Urbanspoon

21Nov/112

Goodfellas Pizza

Posted by Capt. Falcon

ed. note: The original review for this establishment is a fart in the wind, I got this jerk to re-review for me. - Pete

I found the old review. God bless backups. I'll keep this one around to show how hit-or-miss this wacky-ass place can be. - Pete

Surprisingly edible.

Goodfellas Pizza  is  located in the University Landing area. The first time I attempted to eat here, luck was not on my side. According to the sign on the door, it was "closed for family emergency". Well fuck your family emergency - my pizza emergency trumps your shit any day. I had an hour to waste before class that day, and although the idea of breaking into Goodfellas and handcrafting my own pizza was tempting, I decided to go to Bdobo instead. Yes, I just linked to Bdobo. It's fucking delicious and likely steals all business from the surrounding area.

That aside, I returned to Goodfellas a few days later. It was much bigger on the inside than I anticipated, yet it was completely empty. Perhaps I came at a weird hour, who the hell knows. I was offered a seat and a menu, but I said, "No, fuck you, I just want some god damn cheese pizza." I think I prefer the pizza joints in New York where they reply, "Fuck you too, faggot" and throw the pizza directly at your groin, but I suppose a nice atmosphere and friendly staff shouldn't detract from my rating. I ended up getting two slices of pizza and a drink for $4.99, because a) I'm a ravenous, pizza-starved fatass, and b) $2.50+tax for a single plain slice? Piss off.

I was surprised to see that, unlike the other two establishments I've reviewed, this pizza didn't look like complete and utter shit. Upon handing it to me, the waitress/cashier notified me of her uncertainty as to what was actually in the drink she gave me. I ordered Dr. Pepper, but apparently all their drinks exist in a state of quantum uncertainty until the moment they are consumed. I can only assume I received a lethal mixture of high fructose corn syrup and hydrochloric acid. Thankfully, this was promptly replaced with slightly less dangerous Dr. Pepper. After that - and after the waitress saw me taking pictures of the food and scribbling down notes - she offered me an infinite amount of refills, which I injected straight into my bloodstream, bypassing my stomach, and allowing more room for the pizza to gut-fuck me into oblivion.

But who fucking cares about what I had to drink. The pizza was surprisingly good, and I immediately decided $2.50 for a single slice might actually be worth it, even for a penniless hobo like myself. The slice's most noteworthy quality was the cheese. I have no idea what they use or how they do it, but the cheese tasted of ambrosia-infused godliness. It was as if the Occupy Capt. Falcon's Mouth protest was going on, and I was happily allowing the cheese to riot and form drum circles on my tastebuds. 99% delicious.

Also of note - fairly large slices, perfectly thin crust, and a favorable amount of grease to top it off. After I had finished most of the first slice and the cheese was moshing in my gut, I noticed the rim of the pizza had been somewhat neglected. It wasn't much a problem, though, due to the fact that the crust was quite satisfying. I didn't have the presence of mind to judge the sauce, either because I know nothing about pizza sauce or because I was too busy drooling all over myself. Either way, the sauce must not have been too bad, because I dove into the next slice like a starving Ethiopian child.

I'm so used to Falcon punching my keyboard with flaming fists of rage while writing these reviews that it seems wrong not to slander Goodfellas in some way. They were closed the first time I went there, which I would love to be pissed off about, but really that just shows that they're a family-run business, at least in part. I received the wrong drink, but the waitress soon extinguished my fury by treating me like the ultimate god of pizza. Also, I didn't get crayons and a page from a coloring book like the kids a few tables over, but the waitress metaphorically sucking my dick assuaged any dissatisfaction before it had a chance to fully form.

My only real concern came from the second slice, which had an odd dough-to-cheese ratio. There was a tsunami of cheese atop a paper-thin scaffold, but, being the cheesewhore I am, I wasn't too bothered by that. All in all, shit was pretty good. I'd rank it just below Brooklyn and I <3 NY Pizza, which is something I never anticipated, seeing as Pete usually sends me to the shittiest shit-holes in town. If I'm ever in the area and in the mood for pizza, I'll definitely return to Goodfellas.

As long as Bdobo doesn't lure me away.

2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Goodfellas Pizza - $2.50 + tax
417 South College Road, Wilmington, NC 28403

Goodfellas Pizza on Urbanspoon

21Oct/115

Mellow Mushroom (Wrightsville)

Posted by pete

Coulda been much worse

I went to this goddamn establishment expecting not much at all. If you recall, I reviewed the original Mellow Mushroom location and didn't have too many good things to say. Recently I had to go to Lighthouse to get a Beer Fest ticket (since a $5 'convenience fee' infuriates me), and figured I'd subject myself to the horrors of Mellow Mushroom pizza again.

Tangent: What was with this year's Beer Fest location? $35 to drink beer in some shitty abandoned lot? Fuck you guys. Especially after last year's awesome Greenfield location. And yes, I do realize that certain regulations may have changed in relation to alcohol and public parks. Fuck you, too.

As it turns out, these slices were slightly more than marginally better than the shitdick bullshit you might be unlucky enough to find at the Oleander location. I found the cheese to be pretty good, and the sauce to be sort of decent. The crust was also okay. The rim was butter- and parmesan-encrusted as always, but in a far less offensive way that at the Oleander location.

Another interesting thing worth noting is that their prices are all fucky. Maybe I shouldn't even mention this but I was charged $2 for slices when they were listed for $3, and $2.50 for PBRs when they were listed for $3. My waitress also said 'have a good night' or something along those lines at least twice and it was fucking 11AM. But that's the sort of shit I can appreciate. Keep rocking those sunglasses indoors, stoner hippy chick, but remember: just cuz shit looks, like, you know, all dark and stuff, it like doesn't mean it's night time. She actually did a good waitressing job besides, though.

Also of note is that these slices are pretty fucking big. I couldn't even finish both and a beer. But then again, I am a shit-filled hosebag of less than questionable merit.

4 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Mellow Mushroom - $2-3 + tax
224 Causeway Drive, Wilmington NC 28480