Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Harris Teeter

This might as well be a tattoo parlor

It has been nearly a month since my last review. This is largely due to the fact that there's simply not much to review. There's a place in the Landfall shopping center that's too expensive for me and there are two new pizzerias in Leland. Like I said, the one in Landfall is too expensive so I don't even want to eat there even though I know their pizza is alright. And one of the two new pizzerias (Pizzetta's) doesn't seem to be open yet. I want to knock Leland Pizzetta's and Falcone's out in one trip. I'm kind of ADHD about my driving strategery.

I happened upon this Harris Teeter the other day and noticed they had a weird pizza station. I guess this is in response to the Whole Foods across the street. Fuck if I know. I was too busy then to get a slice but I came back. Oh yes, I came back you motherfuckers. I don't even know who I'm talking to right now.

The pizza was straight up garbagetown. You see those lights in the above picture? I guess they are supposed to magically keep the pizza warm, even though they're over 9000 feet away. I assumed my slice would get tossed back in the oven (like at any pizzeria and like they do at Whole Foods) to get toasty, but no. Fuck me, right? I got a slice which was vaguely warm at best. The cheese was a solid mass of congealed idiocy and the rest of the slice followed suit into a sea of bland normality.

The crust was the best thing going on here but it was still unremarkable. It was kind of light and pillowy and stupid. It was alright though, fuck it. The cheese, as I mentioned, was a congealed mass. It also tasted fake and shitty. We are definitely not dealing with whole milk mozzarella. The sauce was bad. It made me angry enough to shake my fist at a small child, but she only seemed mildly entertained which made me even more angry.

The worst thing about Harris Teeter serving shit pizza is that they're a fucking food store. They could just blend a can of crushed tomatoes and shit out a better sauce than they serve on their pizza. The sauce they came up with (God knows how) is so overcooked and overspiced it's not even bordering on idiotic it's just plain offensive. And, in the Lord's name I pray, these people really ought to be able to buy a decent hunk of mozzarella. Even some of their shitty Sorrento cheese, which they always have in stock, would be worlds better than this obscene offering.

Somehow I was not shocked to be the only one patronizing the new pizza station during lunch rush on a weekday. The deli, sushi, bread and sandwich stations were all packed but I was the only one buying a slice of pizza.

Just don't buy this shit. Maybe they'll get a clue and hire me as a consultant.


7 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Harris Teeter - $1.99 + tax
501 Oleander Drive  Wilmington, NC 28403


Posted by pete

Comments (8) Trackbacks (1)
  1. However, I value your opinion about good/bad pizza but you totally lose my respect by the use of profanity. You can get reach your audience without it.

  2. Correction- you can reach your audience without it.

  3. In the Teeter’s defense, the whole, uncooked pizzas that they put out for sale that are made in-store are pretty dang good. And cost, like, $8 for a big-ass pie. Yes, you have too cook it yourself, but you’re guaranteed to burn the roof of your mouth on it because you can’t wait — it smells that good. Just saying.

    • I never understood the refrigerated pizza craze. I’m told that Papa Murphys is expanding every day. It makes no sense to me. You wait an extra 12 minutes and you can get a better, cheaper product through a number of frozen brands. You can cancel the 12 minutes out if you just buy multiple of the dumb things on special and keep em in one of ye olde ice chestes.

      • Yo dude …. I’m going to dip to your level in use of the English language and leave a burning and detailed response to your stupid review (are you sure you were not stoned at the time asshole?). Anyway …. Next time your dumb ass pejorative self enters an establishment serving pre-cooked food such as pizza ASK to have your fucking slice(s) heated up in the pizza oven. (You fucking dumb ass). Any person with half a brain would look at that pic you took (and here I am putting my brain in place of yours which told your stupid ass hands and fingers to operate your smart phone or digital camera) and realize that there are no heat lamps created by man that could keep pizzas warm from that distance. Now granted, the Teeter employee probably blew it by not offering to heat your slices when you ordered. But, was your brain not fucking engaged as you surveyed the product you were considering consuming? I mean … Seriously sad. And you call it refrigerated … But your pic shows ovens …. Soooo wtf dude …. Do you not recognize freshly/recently oven baked product? I think you are a griping wanna be critic with a hard on for targets that don’t give a crap about your bullshit. But I’m calling you out dude cause your criticism smells bad. Later

        • you penis parasite, jump out of my dick. you go ahead and start your own blog and call it HEREIN I ORDER PIZZA AND MAKE SURE TO ASK FOR IT TO BE NOT COLD.COM

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