Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Whole Foods

I guess they sell pizza by the slice

I was driving home the other day and I got buttfucked by some traffic so I ended up driving past this cultish hellhole. I stopped by because I am an aimless masochist. The place was so full of yuppies and guppies I was pretty sure California was visiting. Few other places can you see a fucking shitbird white woman paying 32 dollars for a cart of food that consists of little more than two plates of vegetables. Like actual plates you might use at a cookout, no tops. She couldn't even fit them both in the midget baby-cart so she was holding one of them while her two fuckhead kids roshambo'd eachothers nuts off right beside her.

As is my way, I actually was fairly okay with this place, despite everything I just said. The prices were okay, there was a big selection, etc. 'Etc,' ah I love it. A shitty dickhead of a woman where I work put up a sign: "This recycling bin is for glass and plastic, ECT." Okay, first of all, you got the letters wrong, I forgive you. More importantly, if you are trying to inform people what the fuck to put in a bin, how about you don't skimp on the descriptors you turbocharged cuntwaffle? (Yes, the poorly-marked recycle bin is where I leave used condoms.)

But I digress. The main thing I hated about Whole Foods was all the people shopping there. They were this terrible, ravenous horde of faux-eco-friendly consumerist scum. I'd almost rather shop at Walmart. Almost.

The pizza behind the counter looked pretty good actually. I mean, yeah this slice looks like shit for a few reasons, but the other pies looked good. In typical pizzeria fashion, the pies were sitting around, slices waiting to be thrown in the oven for a reheat. That's pretty cool. I wasn't expecting this place to have an operation like this. And $5 for 2 slices is a good deal.

This place is new and maybe this was a problematic day, I don't know. But this slice's flaws go beyond that. Starting with the good, I will say that the crust was reasonably well made, besides a lack of salt (my typical complaint). The browning was good, the texture and structure were very good. It was much better than I expected.

The sauce and the cheese were fairly mediocre, all around. Tasted like school pizza. It wasn't appetizing, really.

The biggest problem was the burnt taste, which I tend to think was from the oven not getting cleaned regularly enough, along with the use of corn meal as a dough peel 'lubricant.' Any decent place is gonna use straight flour for that, and as little as possible. You know you are patronizing an idiot operation if they're using fucking cornmeal. Who wants that damn fucking shit in their mouth? Idiots. Idiots want that.

Cornmeal is bad enough but when you don't clean your fucking oven it becomes an even bigger issue when you get burnt fucking cornmeal everywhere, making your pizza taste likes Jesus' burnt-up, femented zombie cock.

My pizza leftovers are pictured above. That's what I was eating. That's what my food tasted like. Even so it wasn't all that bad. It's fucking romper room pizza made by corporate hippies. WTF are you expecting?

I'll try it again.

6 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

$3 + taxicles
3804 Oleander Dr, Wilmington, NC, 28403

Posted by pete

Comments (5) Trackbacks (0)
  1. sorry for this terrible post. i think whiskey at lunch kind of sets the vulgar dial to fuckyoutown.

  2. I think the crumbs in the box speak(s) for themselves.

  3. Hateful and vulgar post.

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