Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Subway (Monkey Junction)

I ate pizza at a fucking Subway

I'm still working on the Kickstarter thing I mentioned previously. I'm encountering a technical glitch which they are apparently having some difficulty fixing.

I found myself at the goddamn Monkey Junction Wal-Mart the other day and it was as terrible as you might imagine. I hate that store more than I hate myself, which is really saying something. I'm waiting for my girlfriend to get contact lenses or suck a dick or whatever it was she was doing and I decided to wander around, which I am wont to do. I happened upon a Subway.

Subway is the most hit-or-miss fast food place since Jesus shat out a flock of seagulls, or however that old Bible story goes. I'm not really clear on it. Earlier this morning I was buying some wine at 7 a.m. and the decrepit old lady cashier was like, "hey, do you know the -insert my last name here-'s that go to the Baptist Ch-" No. No I don't. I had to cut her off. You had me at Baptist. If any of my family is Baptist they're smart enough to keep that information from me. No offense. Wait, strike that; reverse it. Offense.

In any case, the other day I stumble into a Subway inside of the Wal-Mart located in the hell-hole known as Monkey Junction (I think this whole place is seriously named after a monkey that some redneck had on the side of the road 100 years ago or some shit) and notice something I haven't seen before on their menu: pizza. God damn it, there goes $3.75 after tax.

Before I get into what I think of the pictured pizza, I must say that I like the idea of Subway selling pizza, sort of. My capitalist side is all for this. You have all these damn topping sitting there, and a shitty oven, why not have frozen discs of faux dough stored somewhere? Apparently some Subways already figured this out and this is one of them.

I walked up to the counter and said "Yeah, can I just get a cheese pizza," and made sort of a round shape with my hands since I'm an uncomfortable weirdo and try to act the part. Like the other day I was on a business trip and this fucking douchebag in the conference booth next to me decides to walk over and strike up a conversation. This guy had more gel on his hair than I have hair. And I'm not exactly bald, I'll have you know. Asks me where I'm from and I say that I'm from the shithole known as Wilmington. I ask where he's from because that's probably expected of me. He says Denver and just to get him the fuck away from my booth I say, "I like ... flying ... in planes." I don't often write ellipses so just trust me when I say that the pauses were so uncomfortable they belonged on The Office.

Fuck me running. The pizza. This shit wasn't as bad as it should've been. It was very close to Pizza Hut. Which I'm not promoting or anything but hell at least it's not Papa John's. It's right in there in that nebulous category of American-style pizza, named only to give me even more hemorrhoids than I've already accumulated. It tastes like WHOP or Gumby's or anything of that ilk. I hate to say it but it's not a bad deal for 3-4 dollars.

Hell, you've already stooped so low that you're at a Subway I'm sure you won't complain. Asshole.

Hope everyone dies of AIDS.

5.5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Subway - $3.75
5135 Carolina Beach Road, Wilmington, NC

Subway on Urbanspoon

Posted by pete

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