Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

25Jan/123

Papa Murphy’s

Lord have mercy

One year ago, literally to the day, some schmuck emailed me asking my opinion of  Papa Murphy's. I told him that it was outside the scope of my blog, but 'maybe I'd make an exception.' Well that guy is probably dead by now, or living in the vast sewers underneath Las Vegas or maybe he's joined a professional basketball team in Europe. He's dead to me, anyway, that's all that matters! He sorta sent me on this horrible mission and is therefore sorta responsible for the bullshit I had to endure. Hell, I'm still enduring it; a lot of it is still just sitting in my fridge, mocking me.

I didn't know what to expect from this weirdo establishment.  Their website is dumb as hell, and I couldn't find much real, tangible information readily available. Entering the store was not much of a help, either; prices were listed on boards somewhat haphazardly, for various sundry pizzas. It confused me, but, in their defense, so do simple things like magnets and hirsute women. Even as I write this review, I don't know whether to handle this like a normal pizza review or one of my throwaway frozen pizza reviews. It's not frozen but it might as well be. I mean i guess it's "fresh" in the sense that they made it right in front of me and shit, but I still have to trek home, crank the oven and throw the bastard in.

So this is the medium cheese pizza. To it I added oregano and crushed red pepper (as always), and half of it got some jalapenos, because fuck you, that's why. This thing cooked at 425F for like 12 minutes, maybe. It came out looking a little scary. One thing of note is that this medium pizza seemed pretty big to me. It also had like a million pounds of cheese on it. So if you like mountains of shitty cheese, this is for you. Also I guess it was a mix of cheeses but regardless it was bland. Hot out of the oven it was stringy and whatnot but when it cooled down for like half a minute, it became a solid mass of gutbusting misery. Bite into it and it all just sloughs off. Terrible.

The sauce was pasty and unremarkable, overcooked and overseasoned and stupid. The crust was bland and offensive in its inoffensiveness. Overall, I got the distinct impression that I was eating school pizza, except worse, crossed with my mom's crappy homemade pizza, except worse. It was pretty bad. The sad thing is that I might get another pizza from here, except with toppings. God, why did I even think that just now. Fuck me.

I guess I'll give this thing a rating, since, even though it's worse than most frozen pizza, at least it's "fresh." Right?

Oh by the way, check out my bourbon guest review over at liquorlunch.


7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Papa Murphy's - $5.10 after a $2-off coupon
2804 South College Road, Wilmington, NC

Papa Murphy's on Urbanspoon

Posted by pete

Comments (3) Trackbacks (0)
  1. What a useless blog post and the colorful language was very professional.

  2. Do the world a favor and kill yourself


Leave a comment

No trackbacks yet.