Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

18Oct/114

Totinos vs Tony’s

I admit it: I've been neglecting this blog. Anyone that's had a blog will admit, in my desperate defense, that neglecting a blog is the best part of having one. Same with having children. The main reason I want to have kids is so that I can lock them up in the car when I go shopping. And no, I won't crack a fucking window. How much oxygen does a kid need anyway? Yeah fuck you, shut up about the heat.

I'm kind of running out of shitty pizzerias to review and it was recommended to me that I ought to review frozen pizza. Personally I thought it was a terrible idea; in fact, I still do. Id rather review my form in throwing this desk across the room; and I damn well may. In any case I bought some really shitty, cheapass pizza recently. I'm not even entirely sure why, I suppose I was drunk.

Here goes literally nothing.

Tony's  (about a buck)

Good god was this pizza bad! Wow! I added some oregano and crushed red pepper before baking it and it still tasted of nothing. This pizza is like a black hole of flavor. At least I had a beast ice to back me up. I used to work at a government office in Brunswick for a while and my lunch consisted of 3 beast ice and, well, that job was alright. I also drank a lot of custom-brewed tea while I was there. It was like the half-assed precursor to Four Loko that nature never envisioned. They'd be like: Wassup every computer is down and the servers are sucking hobo dicks in the parking lot. To which I'd respond: You ever drank 3 beast ice and chugged a bottle of Nyquil? Piss off bitch, I've got this.

Edit: I just realized that I was drinking Steel Reserve in those glory days, not beast. Carry on.

My roommate's weird-ass dog keeps coming in here. What the fuck, get out of here. He has no idea how many empty wine bottles  I have right fucking here with his name on them. Six. That's how many you dumb fucking dog. Uh anyway Tony's pizza is fucking terrible! It's so bad. That's wassup.

Totinos (about a buck, fuck you)

As you can see, I ran out of beast ice. No matter, double stack the beast non-ice. Okay the gist of it is that Totinos is better than Tony's. Totinos is god-awful. It's straight up terrible. I hate it. It's got a weird flaky bottom and it's just god damn curious. 'Curious' is not a word you want to see used in relation to food, by the way.

Given all of that, Totinos is better. Tony's is just that bad. I guess I'm supposed to offer some kind of legitimate, critical observation. Alright. Tony's is pretty straightforward in that it sorta looks like a pizza. Well newsflash it tastes of nothing and it's fucking your retarded children in a pancake house in hell.

On the other hand, Totinos is weird as all get out, strange as shit, but it actually has some kind of taste so it fucking wins.

 

Winner: Totinos

Posted by pete

Comments (4) Trackbacks (0)
  1. ARRRGH! I bet you had psychedelic bowel movements after that feast!!

    I mentioned your blog to one of my customers the other day and was shocked to find that he has read your blog. This guy happens to be employed by one of the restaurants that you gave an honest review. He also agreed with you about the not so fine food and recipes that he is instructed to make. He said that his boss wants to strangle you and blames you for his loss of business; so any way, keep up the good work!

  2. How can Totino’s win this? Dude Totino’s would lose against raw sewage. I hate both but if they’re that bad, you should mention it. This isn’t the mana from Heaven we used to think it was back in 1984ish days, it’s absolutely horrible. If they fed this crap to Al-Queda inside Guantonamo Bay it would be considered torture.

    • “If they’re both that bad, you should mention it.”

      “Totinos is god-awful. It’s straight up terrible. I hate it. It’s got a weird flaky bottom and it’s just god damn curious. ‘Curious’ is not a word you want to see used in relation to food, by the way.

      Given all of that, Totinos is better. Tony’s is just that bad.”

      Your moronic yet hilarious comment notwithstanding, you have encouraged me to write another frozen pizza review matchup thing. I ate them a while ago and didn’t take notes and I’m drinking beast again, at 7am, so expect next to nothing from it in the way of veracity, substance or intelligibility.


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