Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

17Jun/110

Homebrew Round Fail

Dunnunna dunnunna dunna Beast Ice

Have you ever had pizza so bad that after eating it you felt compelled to chug eighty ounces of beer and piss in the pizzamakers bed, wake up in the morning and tell him, half naked as a result of your own incontinence, that his pizza  was the worst you've ever had? That's the story I'm about to tell. If this is too offensive for you, I'm guessing you're new here because the two loyal readers I have are well-accustomed to this manner of profanity.

So I wake up in a drunken stupor, reach over, and everything's all wet. I'm thinking, "damn it, this bitch spilled wine on my bed." Pitch black and feeling around, I realize that this wetness is of a considerably larger scale than a simple booze spill, and it is centered quite literally around her nether regions. She pissed my bed. So it's 4 a.m. and I'm cleaning up piss sheets and piss who-knows-what-else, and this goes on for a while. I'm cleaning shit up and napping on the couch (generally free of piss) until 8 a.m. Around this time I find myself in the kitchen cleaning up some other shit, and this bitch comes in and says (after I'd spent some hours cleaning up her urine as though she were an infant or a dying dog), "you know, that pizza last night was the worst pizza I've ever had." And since this bitch loves Goodfellas, one simply cannot question her familiarity with dogshit pizza.

So when I say that this round of homebrew pizza didn't go well, you will agree.

Officer, I swear I use this scale to measure flour. Thanks, Amazon

First things first, I failed at lighting the coal. What a jerk I am. But then it lit!

Even after it fired, shit didn't go very well. I used Hunt's crushed tomatoes for the sauce and Sorrento's mozzarella for the cheese. I wasn't happy with either of those choices. And the crust didn't have enough yeast in it, or something. And the stone probably wasn't as hot as it should have been. The first pie had some decent coloring and it wasn't bad but I ended up forming the dough skin too thin and it was damn near a complete disaster.

I have to work on this recipe I guess, and I might start using cake yeast. I also need to better insulate the grill, and maybe (somehow) lower the effective dome height.

Yeah. I don't know why you're reading this, either.

Posted by pete

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