Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home


Mellow Mushroom

A hell of a place

I'm a huge fan of Mellow Mushroom. Mainly because they've got a lot of beer. Also because their mascot is a mushroom, and that's basically my favorite drug ever. But I also like their sandwiches and consider them a decent bargain. Alright, you caught me; I haven't mentioned their pizza. I'm not a huge fan of their pizza.

Let's start with the good. The jalapeno slice had a lot of fuckin jalapenos on it. That's cool. Moving onto the cheese slice, it just looks dumb. It's got a weird secondary ghost cut line along the side of it. I'm not taking points off for that, I'm just commenting on it. It looks dumb. What's up with all that parmesan cheese along the rim? Newsflash, fuckfaces: you put parmesan on every table so don't unilaterally put this shit on the rim of my slices like you are the U.S. military napalming unsuspecting civilians. I don't even really like parmesan! I never put it on my pizza, thats for damn sure. I'm guessing they do this to entice you to eat the rim of the crust. How about just making your crust less shitty? Try that on for size.

Onto more of the good: I thought the sauce was good. I also thought the cheese was okay. But the crust was terrible, I'm sorry to say. There was no crunchiness anywhere in this crust. It looked like it was cooked to fucking hell, but it was floppy as all get out. It was so fucking soft and stupid and weird, it pissed me right the fuck off. Much worse than that, it was covered in corn meal on the bottom, and as a result of that, plus the under-seasoned, low-hydration, overcooked dough, the slice was just dry and stupid in my mouth. It was very disconcerting, but since I had beer it wasn't exactly the end of the world. Which is to say I didn't die.

Everyone loves this place, including me. Their pizza is a fraud, though. They view pizza crust as merely a means of carrying toppings to someone's face. That's why I review plain slices - to weed out the shysters. The crust is the backbone of all slices and if you depend on masking your bummer crust with a ton of toppings, you're not getting past me. And Mellow Mushroom does indeed have a lot of awesome, fresh toppings, applied liberally. But their crust is shitty. Most people don't give a shit about the crust, so take this review with a grain of salt. And put it in the fucking dough recipe. Probably wouldn't even help, actually.

Another pint to go with this shitty pizza, please.

5 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Mellow Mushroom - $2.70
4311 Oleander Drive, Wilmington NC 28403

Mellow Mushroom on Urbanspoon

Posted by pete

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  1. Why would you go to mellow mushroom and order slices of pizza? That’s like going to an awesome ice cream shop and then ordering a cup of plain vanilla ice cream and then complaining about how shitty and plain it is. You have to get their fresh made pizzas! I get that you have this thing about only ordering plain cheese slices or whatever but come on! Just order a plain cheese personal size pizza! I’ve never seen pizza come out like it does in that picture..Troy and I just had a delicious buffalo chicken pizza and it was amazing.

    • it’s on their menu. it’s not like i kicked them in the shins until they agreed to give me a slice. i agree these slices look weird as fuck. that aint my fault, kid.

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