Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

23Apr/112

Oh This Again. Poor You.

First off, if you like Hoobies I kindly request that you never visit this blog again. I don't exactly make a killing on this gay shit and I also don't give two shits about you, your opinion, or anything at-fucking-all. I write these reviews because somewhere along the line pizza became commodotized to the point that virtually no one can appreciate it beyond its price. Pizza Hut. Women making all-purpose dough in their disgusting bread machines. Dough balls from grocery stores. Buy One Get One Free. There's no doubt about it, that is our culture. We aren't heading there; we are there, in all things. Pizza is not a last salvation nor is it a last stand. It is, for me, the last funeral for a culture so corrupted as to be indistinguishable from utter goddamn shit. I write these reviews to remind people that such a thing as quality exists and it doesn't make you a complete faggot to appreciate such things in your life.

But now that I've reviewed most of the garbage in this town, I'm getting back to the habit of making my own pizza. For many this is merely next-level faggotry, and I appreciate those concerns. This bottle of bourbon I'm drinking straight also appreciates those concerns but this motherfucker is trying to tell me to appreciate nothing at all and he's pleading a hell of a case. Anyway, my pizza now consists of Caputo 00 Pizzeria flour, water, crummy yeast, salt and ~900F heat. These simple ingredients produce shockingly good results, albeit results I'm impossibly unimpressed with.

Bourbon is a good starting point for any endeavor. Pizza, date rape, national rebellions, it doesn't matter, this shit is just good.  It's like family except it sucks way fucking less. Also, I'm gonna let Jack Daniels finish but Bulleit has some of the best bourbon of all time! I drink this shit and I want to kill whole countries full of illiterate savages. This shit makes me feel fucking American. In all honesty, there are really only two things I feel qualified to give decent reviews of and bourbon is one of them (pizza is not the other). There's a strong chance I will write a bourbon blog, too, if only because (as all theme park enthusiasts know) downward spirals are so much goddamn fun.

The other night I decided to get the  makeshift oven really, really fucking hot:

The only way I know to quantify the heat level is to say that I cremated 8 babies in here. They burnt up like crack rocks in Baltimore. It was beautiful. And then I made a couple pizzas. The first pizza was a terrible abomination. Truth me told, I have no idea how to work with the new dough that I'm making. It's a completely different beast from the NY-style high gluten shit I am used to making. The first pizza was garbage so I threw it at my roommate who scommed it in about half a second.

Here's the second pizza I made. It cooked in under three minutes. I wasn't happy with a number of things about this pie but it was easily the tastiest crust I've ever shoved in my fat maw. That's not to say anything about this endeavor was good, it's mainly to say that I'm now more firmly resolved to become a gutter rat in Naples because shit like this will be thrown at me merely due to my disheveled, terrible appearance. In America the only things hurled at me are hilarious insults. As a hobo I'm going to have to side with the  throwers of questionable caloric intake.

The problem with the oven which I have to resolve is that the floor is cooking much too fast relative to the dome, if you will. Solving that, these pizzas will come out really well in 90 seconds, I'm sure. That speaks nothing of the problems I'm having with the dough. They're too many to list here. Frankly, I don't know why you're even reading this garbage.

Posted by pete

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  1. Ummmm…..!!!! :lol: Looks so tasty and delicious pizza. :lol: Really it’s yellow color makes me so hungry and I want to touch it at least.

  2. “Pizza is not a last salvation nor is it a last stand. It is, for me, the last funeral for a culture so corrupted as to be indistinguishable from utter goddamn shit. I write these reviews to remind people that such a thing as quality exists and it doesn’t make you a complete faggot to appreciate such things in your life.”

    Beautiful. :'(


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