Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

4Mar/1117

Antonio’s Pizza & Pasta

No cheese pizza at 2:30p.m.? Fuck you.

Greetings to all of Pete's non-existent readers. This is Capt. Falcon, and for my first review I was forced to eat at this god-forsaken, end-of-the-line hobo haven. Welcome to the Antonio's of Porter's Neck, where a single slice of god damn cheese pizza doesn't exist unless you ask for it explicitly, and where the roof of your mouth is guaranteed a spot in hell once it gets burnt to shit by their scalding hot food.

Before I get to the good stuff, I believe an introduction is in order. I am a guest reviewer on Ilmza, and, keeping with the tradition of this blog, I don't know shit about pizza. I have never made a pizza in my life, so I have no idea what goes into the cooking process. Actually, scratch that. I eat terrible frozen pizza on the reg, but the only thing that has taught me is how to set an oven to 400 degrees. Fahrenheit? Fuck if I know, I just eat god damn fatty food on a daily basis like every other gluttonous American beast roaming this despicable land. That is to say, I'm your average American dickshit with internet access. However, please don't let that detract from the perceived validity of my opinion. I don't regularly partake in the consumption of high quality foods, so I wouldn't know a delicacy from a rabbit turd if it hit me in my god damn gaping maw. However, I do know what shitty food tastes like, because that's all I eat and that's all that exists in Wilmington, NC. I may not know professional cuisine, but I sure as hell know what regurgitated shit tastes like, and Antonio's certainly ranks up there on my shit list.

I arrived at this establishment expecting mediocrity and received worse than I could have ever imagined. It was 2:30 in the afternoon, I had just gotten out of class, and what the fuck do you know - apparently a slice of cheese pizza is too much to ask of these shitdicks. The woman behind the counter was friendly, but seemed baffled by my presence. Upon taking my order - 2 slices of cheese - she informed me that they were all out due to the recent "lunch rush". I was livid with passive-aggressivism, but it was my duty to review some god damn pizza so I told her I would stick around for the 15 minutes it would take to cook an entire pizza just for me. In retrospect, I don't see how Antonio's could have a lunch rush whatsoever. I doubt anyone with tastebuds has ever double-dipped their dick in this shit hole.

Without further ado, here's the pizza I received:

Trust me, it tasted worse than it looks. And it looks like two slabs of grandma-goat cheese, so that's saying a hell of a lot. Anyway, I was told it would take 15 minutes to cook, and I'm pretty sure it came out faster than expected. I would say that's a plus, but the roof of my mouth would vehemently disagree. In a rush to cook a pizza for what I can only assume was their first customer in weeks, the god damn cook turned the oven to over 9000 degrees. Sure, the pizza came out quick as a result, but my entire mouth was blasted to hell by their scalding hot, piss flavored cheese. And why the fuck is the pizza in a cardboard box, you ask? Fuck if I know. I made it very clear that I would be sticking around to eat their shitty pizza, but the woman handed me this cardboard box as if to say, "Here's your disgusting pizza, now get the fuck out." I can only assume that they're used to having customers stampede out of their doors upon viewing their horrendously macabre monstrosities. In defiance of my immediate urge to turn and run, I took my god damn seat, braced myself, and dove into this clusterfuck of cheese ass-first.

Wonderful first impression. Unlike my Golden Gate Bridge analogy of Incredible Pizza, this slice sagged not because of a poor length-to-thickness ratio, but because of a shoddy cooking job. The cheese sloughed off like a snake shedding its skin. The bottom of the pizza was coated in a layer of flour. The pizza itself couldn't hold up to a simple fold until halfway through the eating process. This shit went everywhere. Cheese was sliding off left and right, so, like the pig I am, I naturally scraped the remaining cheese off the cardboard box and grubbed. By the time I realized my hands were full-blown landfills in their own right, I noticed that Antonio's has no god damn napkins. Fucking no where to be found. If I were a respectable human being with a shred of dignity, this would bother me immensely. But I'm not, so I continually wiped my grimy hands on my pants. The usual.

So their pizza falls apart upon the slightest touch. No biggie. I'm used to eating pounds of fake, microwaved chicken pieces mixed with uncooked noodles and sauce of indiscernible origin. I'm no gustatory guru; I'm a fanatical food fucker. So as long as caloric intake is present, I'm generally content. But this shit from Antonio's was unacceptable, even by my standards. Their cheese smelled like it came from the teats of an aging Mexican llama. It was probably some fancy shit that I've never heard of - some exotic cheese that only eccentric motherfuckers like. Either that, or it really was just cheap shit that had been lying around for a few years. Either way, the scent alone left me feeling like a bulimic high-schooler. Gag reflex all up in that bitch. And the crust wasn't the most amazing, either. If I actually knew anything about pizza, I would probably compare it to that all-purpose flour that Pete always alludes to when he talks about shitty shitburgers. All I know is it tasted like my mom's old pizza crust, which is to say, extremely sub-par. I can't say anything about the sauce, though , because I was too busy focusing on the cheese constantly destroying my face.

That shit happened every single time I took a bite. Cheese exploded in the general vicinity of fucking everywhere. It was practically liquid. Perhaps if these kumquat-fucking numbnuts took their damn time making pizza, I wouldn't look like a toddler with liquefied food dribbling down my face. The only good thing I can say about this nonsensical bullshit is that the food was edible. By some divine intervention of the hand of Jesus tittyfucking Christ, I made it through both slices without puking my balls up. However, there was darkness on the horizon. I can say with confidence, this was the first time I have ever consumed something while knowing full well the havoc it would later wreak on my bowels. The ominous cloud of foreshadowed toilet worship was not just real - not just surreal - it was god damn diarrheal. It was as if the receipt from this god damn location knew what I was thinking; at the bottom it read "Arrivedercci" in all caps. For my countless uncultured, philistine readers, that is a misspelling of the Italian word for "till we meet again". Fucking ominous way to end the meal. The only time I'll see Antonio's food again is when it comes blasting out my anus in the form of a bile-infused, gastrointestinal, raging waterfall the likes of which the world has never seen.

As I finish up this review, violently hammering my keyboard with my grease-fucked fingertips, I am still peeling skin off the roof of my mouth. I have third-degree burns in the cavernous, gaping abyss known as my mouth because of you fucking readers (who?). Fuck. I can say with conviction that I will never return to the hellhole that is Antonio's Pizza, unless their disastrous shit mind-fucks me into blacking out the past 24 hours. I wouldn't doubt it. If there is anyone on the face of the Earth reading this worthless blog post, heed this advice and avoid this establishment at all costs. It will wreck your shit.

Unless you're that 700-lb motherfucker that walked in when I was halfway through my 2nd slice. He ordered a god damn entire pizza for himself. He wasn't taking it home. I watched him sit and gobble that shit up like those starving Chinese children my parents always spoke of. That fucking whale of a motherfucker probably supplies Antonio's with enough daily income for them to stay open for eternity. Fuck America.

 

7 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Antonio's Pizza & Pasta - $2.16
8211 Market Street, Wilmington, NC 28411

Antonio's Pizza & Pasta on Urbanspoon

Posted by Capt. Falcon

Comments (17) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Impressive review. I’m glad I picked someone of such mediocre intelligence that his biggest complaint centers around the fact that he is too stupid to let his food cool off. Go eat a fried egg-cluster, you moron.

  2. Also WTF is with all the grafiti on their windows? I thought this place pretended to be sorta-respectable?

    • No idea. They also have no napkins or garbage cans. That place just made me furious. I was just walking by there again today and a bird shat into my hand.

  3. Have you two pre-heart attack virgins ever been to “NY” pizza and subs? This great spot is located on greenfield street near lake crap a dick? While your there ask about the Champipple special, you deserve it!

    • I’m not sure if this is an insult or a compliment.

    • I’m pretty sure I went there years ago when it first opened. I don’t think its still around. I think it went from pizza & subs to pizza & fried chicken, as a direct result of it being smack dab in the ghetto. That place was scary as hell. I actually looked for it recently and only saw what appeared to be a burnt-down husk of a former restaurant.

  4. So are you two incapable of stringing 5 words together without making some inane vulgar comment? Does it make you cool that you shit upon people without care? I don’t know, I think it just makes you sound ignorant and repugnant. Keep taking your classes at CCC I’m sure that your getting your moneys worth at Half-ass college. Hey maybe you should take your time eating the slice instead of pound it into your face like a 12 year old fat kid who hasn’t had a meal in 10 minutes. Or come up to the counter and say hey I’m not to happy with the slice. No you’re just a big pussy and walk out like a little girl and ramble on needlessly on the internet about how Antonio’s made you pout a lil bit. I’m sorry the pizza was fresh and I’m sorry that it was hot. Next time ill throw it into the microwave like your used to. And maybe we’ll ship in some processed cheese for ya too.

    • Well, I did admit that “I eat terrible frozen pizza on the reg”, which my tastebuds have become inured to. To be fair, your pizza didn’t wreak havoc on my bowels as anticipated. But it did befoul nearly all of my senses beyond recognition. Thank you for that, and arrivederci.

  5. You musta had a bad slice or two. I’ve eaten at both the Antonio’s and they’re pizza is always good. I still think I Love NY takes the cake, or should I say slice. I grew up in Brooklyn, so I’ve eaten my fair share. Everyone in Porter’s Neck loves their pizza. I’ve eaten pizza in Italy, NYC, and some of the worst places in NC, and your review is way off base from anything I’ve experienced. Good luck finding a good slice in town.

  6. Personally i take pride in my work. So as far as this review goes its very insulting. So why doesnt the actually guy that created this site come in and try a slice instead of some fan boy.

    • I probably will at some point. As an aside, I cleaned up some of the more boring commentary here and globally restricted commenting to registered users. Since I would imagine that no one cares enough to sign up: good day sirs. Anonymous comments may still be sent through the Contact page (because the stupid shit I get through there is always golden).

  7. Pete and captain fucktard, u guys are stupid, immature, and dont have any lives at all. Losers


Leave a comment

No trackbacks yet.