Wilmington Pizza Insulting the stretch of pavement and stripmalls you call home

7Jun/170

Might As Well

Posted by pete

Trash babies

Oh hell it's taco tuesday. Nope it's wednesday it's time for pizza.

Holy shit this is not a pizza pie, it's a big old bag of trash all spread out and covered in grease and rancid oregano, merry fucking christmas.

This is the only pizza I have ever thrown away in my entire life. It was an amazing amalgam of tasting like nothing, tasting like grease and tasting like spices that expired five years ago. On top of that the crust was some nightmare mishmash of undercooked, overcooked, fried, tasteless, gummy and vomit-enducing while also being coated with an enormous amount of cornmeal.

Byebye

1Jun/170

Geno’s Pizzeria

Posted by pete

Planet Earth's Worst Pizza Slice

This. This is the worst pizza I have ever had. Without question. It is so startlingly bad as to defy any semblance of logic in regards to how this pizzeria even exists. If you gave me an old piece of flooring from a spent crack den and asked for a comparison, I would readily say that the crack den's flooring was a far better example of pizza than the piss-shit garbage they sell at Geno's.

This shit looks worse than a preschooler's attempt at Play-Doh pizza. And guess what? Right. I'd rather eat Play-Doh than eat Geno's garbage bullshit ever again.

I knew I was in for some shit when the pizza guy started cleaning the oven after my slice went in. That's right, AFTER my slice went in. He opened the oven, saw it was fucking gross, put my slice in, and then proceeded to clean around my slice. So the bottom of my slice was covered in burnt chunks of shit. Not to mention the pound of flour. YUMMY.

If you care, the cheese was atrocious. The sauce was shit. The crust almost broke my tooth because portions of it were randomly rock hard. I'd wager they close in September, and that's being really generous.

On a lighter note, I bought this slice at 4pm on Memorial Day weekend and they had made so little money he couldn't break a twenty from the register. He asked me if I had a smaller bill. You can't break a twenty after being open for five hours, motherfucker? He had to go find some plastic bucket full of stripper money and even then he barely managed.

Fuck this place forever, just fuck off guys. You get the worst rating possible. Full 8 out of 8 recircs. You are the fucking worst shit in the world.

bye bye

8 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Geno's Pizzeria - $2.50
124 Pricess Street Wilmington, NC 28401
19Mar/170

Joey’s House of Pizza – Nashville, TN

Posted by pete

It doesn't even look like a house, guys!!!
[ I forgot to take a picture, I'll add one later. ]

I've been in Nashville for only a little while now but the local consensus is that the NY-style pizza game is just not up to snuff here. I have decided to withhold judgment or further commentary out of fairness and ignorance. Joey's House of Pizza is regarded as the best game in town, however. And jeez, they really are good.

After some research I learned the best time to go is right before they close (3pm; yes they only operate M-F til 3; they know they're good). Yet, they were still full and lined up. Which was difficult personally because I can barely walk due a couch attacking me recently. Apparently Joey's is always really busy even though they put dollops of curdled mansauce on their slices. Or maybe because of the curdled mansauce. I mean I guess its ricotta?

Run down of the slice: we start off with a top notch crust; mark it, little joeys, this is the real deal. Every aspect from the undercarriage (also forgot a pic, it looked great) to the crumb. Then we have a great sauce, if liberally applied. Great crushed tomatoes, minimally spiced. Bit runny (love it). Truly better than anything Wilmington has to offer in terms of sauce. The cheese is great, but too heavily applied. Can't take too much off for that because at least the cheese is good quality. And if you are a weird freak who likes to order extra cheese as a topping, well, beans to you because that shit is gratis here. Then we got the sloppy globs of, well, something. I don't know what to make of this besides to mention seeing a worker individually dollop and sprinkle parmesan and maybe spices on every slice strikes me as an enormous testament to this pizza operation.

As a slice eater I expect almost nothing and to have one slice doted on like that for a first time customer was mind-boggling. First time without words. I was so impressed.

As an aside, I would never come here based on the pictures of this place you can find on Google. I feel bad even linking this but click here if you want horrible pictures taken at a good pizza joint.

Joey's House of Pizza is clearly a local treasure serving up a great slice of pizza. It might be Nashville's best-of-show (I have no way of knowing right now), but it falls a bit short of Wilmington's finest. That's not terribly shocking, though, given the high level of NY pizza you can find in Wilmington. Yeah I said it. But like I said you gotta find it. And for that you come here - you don't listen to the inbreeder masses on Yelp or Facebook or whatever the kids are hopscotching with these days.

In Wilmingtonese, the language of this blog, Joey's slice only compares to Ogden Brooklyn and I<3NY. Brooklyn has been spot-on perfection slice-wise for the 17 years I ate slices there. I've had dreams of giving up my career to work there. I'd probably still do it to this day. If I have to beg I will. I need to know: how on God's green earth do they make perfect slices every single day?

Then we have I<3NY and it's not as consistently mindblowing but it has that incredible snap-fold that demands you grab it and walk down Front. This is how you experience a slice of NY pizza. If you have NEVER gotten a slice and walked on the sidewalk and snapped the crust and murdered that slice downtown I just don't think you truly know downtown Wilmington. That single slice will elevate you to point where the hobo on the bench who normally he gets stabby or maybe causes you to feel like a saddo, now you just give him a peck on the nose and a little pinch on the butt.

And if it's tourist season, and there's like some gross, too-white family, man, you know them. They're sort of gurgling - an echo from the tourist dimension that gives you a chill and makes you grind your teeth - the dad staring dead-eyed, hating his life and the five-year-old kid on his little smartphone and the mom on too many pills to name or count, and you give them your best glassy-eyed Byron-glare impersonation. An you feel it in your bones. You know what to do. You just have crazy mouthsex with that slice, jam it in there and do your best to assault their vacation. They will all individually see it and not speak of it nor mention it on social media because although it was too bizarre to outwardly acknowledge, your simple pleasure will affect each of them forever. And you will cherish that slice and, buddy, that drug is damn near free.

Joey's loses out only slightly based on both my own nostalgia and their problematic slice ratios (Joey's needs less mozzarella and more baked-in oregano).

Good.

1 1/2 recircs out of a possible 8 recircs (lower is better)

Joey's House of Pizza - $2.75 including tax
897 Elm Hill Pike, Nashville, TN 37210

 

16Mar/170

New Rules

Posted by pete

Welcome to the jungle, baby. In honor of this article, and my longstanding policy of producing "upsetting or offensive content from the perspective of users in your locale, even if the result satisfies the user intent," I hereby renounce Google advertisements. It probably didn't help that they perpetually skew data to trample content creators. (I still cherish my Pixel).

http://www.fox5ny.com/news/242045578-story

In other news, new review has been written, will be up soon. Also started working on an Android app for my thankless Kickstarter backers since making a good e-book is so much more difficult than I ever suspected.

Further news: my cat killed his first mouse last night and today he has been acting very tough and started shaking me down for treats :(

Filed under: Bullshit No Comments
28Dec/160

PSA – Spicoli

Posted by pete

Apparently, Spicoli has taken a turn, it done gone sour.

In the comments, Bret says:

Well I believe the site owners reviews are the holy grail and he is usually spot on with what I encounter for each pizza tried. But that said went to Spicoli last week first time and they are using premade factory crusts. I was pissed I paid 23 bucks for a supreme factory made dough. You can tell they factory made because it basically just looks like a dinner plate and no roll around the edge or signs of human intervention… and they taste like s*** . So either you missed this one or their business is so lacking they have changed over to premade after your visit. I gotta say for a Saturday night they were not at all busy with carry-out or dine-in service we were the only table seated at 7 p.m.

Reader Alex states:

This site is the holy fucking grail of Wilmington pizza reviews. I’m thinking Spicoli needs to be downgraded to fucked, and fucked may be too kind for Spicoli’s. Spicoli’s is good for one thing, heartburn. Lard with ketchup
 and Monterey jack would better resemble pizza than Spicoli’s gut bomb. I’m not an expert. But an expert
 should know how to cook a pizza without a screen. A screen in a Blodgett gas pizza oven is less than
 a step away from the idiot that eats conveyor belt pizza with a smile. Maybe a year ago someone at Spicoli’s
 kinda tried to give a shit about pizza.

Thanks for the epic reviews. I love this site.

Okay maybe these guys are the same person, what with this "holy grail" theme, but they sure do love sucking me off.

Maybe I'll do a re-review on my next trip to Wilmington. Who are we kidding, if I'm going to be eating pizza in Wilmington it sure as fuck won't be at Spicoli.

Filed under: PSA No Comments
26Oct/162

PSA – I <3 NY

Posted by pete

 

I'm obliged to mention that I had a slice of I <3 NY pizza and it was the biggest shitty trashtrain fuckall outside of New Jersey.

The dough is different, the sauce is different and the cheese is the biggest shit fuck trash heap you have ever seen. These fuckers. I trusted you.

On the other hand, Brooklyn is still cranking out pure quality, non-stop, so there's that at least.

If you are hurting for context, i<3ny is listed second in Wilmington, and it was a hairline decision to give it to Brooklyn. So sad. Hoobies quality garbage slice.

ANOTHER HEADS UP THESE GREASY CHEESE FUCKS ARE CHARGING YOU 25% MORE FOR 100% WORSE SHIT NOW.

Listing

Filed under: PSA 2 Comments